2010

11:22:00 AM Unknown 0 Comments

I almost forgot my resolutions for the new year...

~stay productive and busy
~avoid pity for myself, Nick, and our situation
~be more active
~spend more time with family
~get rid of our debt (aside from student loans, because we'll be paying those off for the rest of our lives)
~focus on what matters the most in life, and don't stress over things I can't control
~support Nick in every way possible
~make 2010 the best year of my life despite the challenges we will face

bring it on 2010!

goodbye 2009

10:29:00 AM Unknown 0 Comments

I find it a little bittersweet to bid farewell to 2009... it was an amazing year. Nick and I had our 1st real year of military life, he completed basic training, AIT, and Scout Command school, we got married, I had my first trip out of the country to Costa Rica for our honeymoon, and I graduated from nursing school. I also turned 26, and if you know me at all you understand how important even numbers are :)

Most importantly, Nick and I both achieved our dreams in 2009. We spent years talking about our ambitions and goals... his to join the military and serve his country, and mine to become a nurse and finally find a career I was passionate about.

As sad as it is to see 2009 come to an end, 2010 can only be better. Of course it will be sad to spend the year without Nick, but I only become stronger and learn more about myself every time he leaves. I will begin my career as a nurse, which is both exciting and challenging. There is also a really big change about to take place in my life... but I will have to wait and share that in a future post (and no, it's not a baby... yet).

so bring it on 2010!

dear military wives

9:54:00 AM Unknown 0 Comments

Dear Military Wives,

While I have never had the pleasure of meeting you
or your husband, I felt the need to write you and
express a very deep feeling that I have in my heart.
I, as a person, am not brave. I do not tackle things
head on, as I hate confrontation. I will travel 100
miles out of my way just to avoid a conflict. I am an
American woman that has no idea what is going on in
the military other than what I hear on the news.
I have never had to let go of someone so that they
could go fight for people that they didn't know,
people that sometimes do not appreciate or
understand what they are fighting for. I have never
had a sleepless night of worry because of a report
that another bomb has exploded and I still haven't
heard from my husband.
I have never had to wait for months on end to hold
the one that I loved. I have never had to tell my
children that daddy wasn't coming home tonight
because he was so far away fighting for something
that they aren't yet old enough to understand.
I have never had to hold my head high and suppress
the tears as I hear that it will be at least another six
months of separation before my loved one gets to
come home. I have never had to deal with a holiday
away from the one that I thought I would share
every day of my life with.
I have never had to feel the panic rising in my heart
at the sound of a ringing phone or knock at the door
for fear that it is the news that everyone is terrified
of getting.
For the reasons listed above, I can not tell you that I
understand how you feel. I can not tell you that you
must be strong. I can not say that you shouldn't be
angry, because you "knew what you were getting
into when you married a military man". I can not say
these things because I have never had to walk in
your shoes.
What I can say for certain is that because of your
unselfish acts of bravery and your husbands
willingness to stand up for those who see him as "just
another soldier", I will never have to walk in your
shoes.
I do understand that as a military wife you are
expected to uphold a certain amount of control, but I
never understood how you could do it, until now. I
have figured out that you are not like other women.
You are of a special breed. You have a strength
within you that holds life together in the darkest of
hours, a strength of which I will never possess. The
faith you have is what makes you stand out in a
crowd; it makes you glow with emotion and swell
with pride at the mention of The United States of
America.
You are a special lady, a wonderful partner and a
glorious American.
I have more respect for your husband than I could
ever tell you, but until recently I never thought much
about those that the soldier leaves at home during
deployment.
Until this moment I could never put into words
exactly what America meant to me. Until this
moment, I had no real reason to. Until I heard of
you.
Your husband and his military family hold this nation
close, safe from those who wish to hurt us. But you
and those like you are the backbone of the American
family. You keep the wheels in motion and the hearts
alive while most would just break completely down.
Military families make this nation what it is today.
You give us all hope and you emit a warming light at
the end of a long dark tunnel.
Because of you and your family, I am able to be me.
I am able to have my family. I am able to walk free
in this great land. Because of you and your family, I
can look ahead to the future with the knowledge
that life is going to be okay. Because of you and your
family, I can awake to a new day, everyday.
I realize that you are a stronger person than I will
ever be because of these things and I just wanted to
take the time today to say thank you to you and
your family for allowing me that freedom.
I will never be able to repay this debt to you, as it is
unmatchable. However, I hope that you know that
no matter where you are, what you are doing, what
has happened today, or what will happen tomorrow,
Your husband will NEVER be "just another soldier" to
me! And you, dear sweet lady, will never be
forgotten.
You are all in my prayer's everyday and I pray that
God will bring you back together with your loved
one safely.


May God Bless You!
(Author Unknown)

patience

7:51:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

I'm not a patient person. I never have been, and honestly I don't expect that I ever will be. Lately my patience has been tested in a way I never thought it would be. I don't know how to deal with it. I've never been the type of person that got everything they wanted when they wanted it, but I hoped and prayed that this would be the one thing in life I would be blessed with as soon as I felt ready. And now I'm ready- more than ready. I have a long road ahead of me, and I'm going to have to face it whether I want to or not. Hopefully there will be something waiting for me at the end of the road when I get there.

oh sundays

10:13:00 AM Unknown 0 Comments

If there's one thing I remember about the 14 weeks of basic training, it's that Sundays without Nick are the worst. I'm not really sure why... I don't know if it's the loneliness of ending a week without him, the fear of starting a new week without him, or just knowing that we usually spent our lazy Sundays together sitting around and watching football or movies. No matter what the reason, I always miss Nick the most on Sundays.

I have something to look forward to this week... something great. My pinning ceremony is Thursday and I will officially be a nursing school graduate after the ceremony on Friday. It doesn't even seem real. I'm excited, but I will be much more excited when I take the NCLEX and actually receive my license as a registered nurse. I would also probably be more excited if Nick was going to be at graduation... or if any of my family was going to be at graduation. Luckily I have a lot of wonderful friends in Nashville that will be there to support me, and hopefully help me forget that Nick is not there. I'm being pinned with Nick's mother's nursing school pin, which is pretty much the coolest thing ever. Hopefully there will also be another nurse in our family in the future that can be pinned with the same pin as well. There's so much hard work and determination behind a nursing pin, and only a nurse can truly appreciate graduation from nursing school. It's unlike any other undergraduate degree.

Now back to watching a movie, crocheting, and drinking coffee... because that's what Sundays are for.

blah

5:52:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

It hasn’t even been 2 days yet, and already I’m starting to feel depressed and detached from the world. I can’t accept that I will be living this quiet, lonely life for the next year. I need a roommate, a new friend (with no life that wants to spend every waking moment with me), a new hobby… anything to distract myself from the silence. It will get better, it always does, but about the time I begin to get used to this new life it will be time to see Nick for Christmas- which is GREAT- but I’ll have to start all over again. I don’t do well with change. It’s always the little things that I miss the most… sitting around watching tv together, cooking dinner together, cuddling in bed on a Saturday morning, running errands around town… the list goes on and on. I just love having him by my side for everything that life brings- big and small. It’s times like this that I also regret living so far away from our families, because no one can replace the comfort and love that comes with family.

(I never promised this blog would be uplifting, did I?)

One thing to be grateful for tonight… One Tree Hill & Gossip Girl. Distractions are invaluable right now.

let the freaking out begin.

10:47:00 AM Unknown 0 Comments

I think it has finally hit me, and I'm starting to freak out... I only have 18 more days with Nick before he leaves.  Of course I will get to see him for 5 days over Christmas before he is officially gone for 12 months, but I know those days are going to fly by.  No amount of time is long enough with your best friend.  We will be on our way to NC for Thanksgiving next week and will be spending Christmas in NC as well.  I'm so excited to spend the holidays with our families this year, but I can't help thinking that the little time I have with my husband has to be shared with too many other people.  It's important for him to have good quality time with his family before he goes overseas, but it doesn't leave much quality time for the two of us.

While Nick was in basic training at Fort Benning, we began counting down the number of Sundays until we would see each other.  It was a much more optimistic way of looking at things, because the number of Sundays left always sounds much better than the number of days left.  Unfortunately this is how I count everything down now... and I only have 2 Sundays left until he leaves.  On a good note, our last Sunday together will be spent on our drive back from NC.  We are notorious for having our best conversations on long car rides because we never turn on the radio- not even on our 14 hour drives to and from Sarasota.  As graduation nears I have more and more free time, so hopefully we will be able to spend every minute together during the last few days that he is in Nashville.

As hard as this is going to be on me, I can't help but remember that this is a million times worse for Nick.  I am losing one person for 12 months, but he is losing a lot more.

I think too much

11:19:00 AM Unknown 0 Comments

I'm back! A lot sooner than I thought... I've had a lot on my mind lately.  As graduation creeps closer and closer (32 days!), I'm beginning to wonder if I'm focusing too much on nursing.  I'm finishing my applications to begin grad school next year, but there are so many other things I want to accomplish in life.  Getting my doctorate has always been near the top of my lifelong goals, but I also want to focus on my painting and art, writing a book, starting a family, and spending time on the things in life that matter the most.  I don't want to lose anything, I'm just having a hard time figuring out how to prioritize everything.  I know once I start grad school all of my time and energy will be concentrated on nursing, and it scares me to think that so soon after the madness of the last 16 months I will have to give up everything else I love in life once again.  Maybe I'm being dramatic... I really hope so.  School has always been my first priority (sometimes even above my husband... sorry baby), so in a way I don't feel like I have a choice but to make the next step in my education.  I really don't want to put it off, I just want to do everything now.  I don't want to put anything off, but that's the reality of life.  I know it will still be at least a couple more years before we begin adding little Armstrongs to the mix, since Nick will be leaving in 3 weeks and will gone all of next year.

Okay... I feel better now.  It's amazing what writing can do for me.  As always, once the words are written I realize that I'm anxious and stressed about nothing, and everything will work out the way it's supposed to do.  If I'm meant to start grad school next fall, I should have an acceptance letter from an amazing nursing school in the next few months.  And if not, then I will take that as the sign to focus on my art.

Don't forget to check out alittlesunshine.tumblr.com... it's probably more entertaining than the ramblings I leave here!

I'm a quitter.

9:49:00 AM Unknown 0 Comments

I'm notorious for starting things and not finishing them... not big things in life, just little things (i.e. books, painting, blogs, etc.).  I get bored easily, and I love new things.  This translates into my temporary abandonment of this blog and my new little bloglet- alittlesunshine.tumblr.com.  For now, while I'm feeling too lazy to commit to full postings on this blog, you can read my short daily thoughts on tumblr.  I'm sure I'll come back here one day... just give me a week or so to get bored with the new one :)

it's finally fall!

5:03:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

After weeks of cold, unpredictable, rainy weather, we've finally had a few days of beautiful fall weather with gorgeous skies and perfect temperatures.  I've loved every minute of it, even if most of the time I've been trapped in the hospital or inside studying.  I even went for a run around the lake today and enjoyed it.  I don't think I've ever said I've enjoyed running, but I really did.  The lake was gorgeous!  It was the first time I've done anything active since I quit smoking, and my lungs felt great.  I was so proud of myself.  My plan is to run everyday this week, so we'll see how that goes.  I usually only stick with things for a few weeks before getting bored.  I could really use the exercise, because it's that wonderful time of the year when my body likes to store fat like I'm going into hibernation.  I don't understand it.  Wish me luck!

skateland usa

3:52:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

Best fix for the Monday morning blues?  CC Music Factory's "Gonna Make You Sweat" (Everybody Dance Now!).  Thank you Woody & Jim.  When it came on the radio this morning, it immediately took me back to the skating rink (aka "the good ol' days").  Growing up skate night was everything, and the reason to make it through the week without getting in trouble.  Nothing could put a smile on my face like rollerblades and a sno-cone.  Without skate night, life wouldn't have been worth living.  I even had my first kiss at the skating rink in 6th grade... you know, the romantic first kiss with a group of 15 of your closest friends circled around cheering you on (thank you Nate, I will never forget it).  I'm not sure skate night would have been the same without the great dance music of the 80s and 90s.    Sugarhill Gang, Deelite, CC Music Factory, Daft Punk, & Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch were kept alive by preteens at skate nights everywhere.  Some of the best nights of my life (well, at least my childhood) happened at the skating rink.  ahh, memories :)

I'm back

6:19:00 AM Unknown 0 Comments

I've been wanting to write an update for a while, but I honestly haven't had time.  Life has been crazy.  I don't have much time to spare now, so I'll hit the highlights from the last few weeks:

• I found my passion in nursing- peds hem/onc.  I LOVE it.  I don't know quite how to describe the feeling of finding what you were born to do in life, but it is amazing.  Now I just have to figure out how to get there, because other plans are laid out for me at the moment.
• I have 51 days of nursing school left.  Enough said.  
• Last week my husband came home from training and I enjoyed the laziness of Fall break.  Life was wonderful.  My husband is still here but I'm back in school now, so it doesn't seem so wonderful anymore.
• Nick and I have only had 1 working car since he's been home, so we've been carpooling everyday.  I really enjoy the good quality conversation with my husband every morning to start the day, but I could do without the 4am wakeup and getting home after 7pm.  Everyday is long, and I'm exhausted.  I'm ready for both cars to hit the road again.
• We've been married now for 68 days.  It's amazing how quickly time flies.
• The deployment officially begins in 6 weeks.  I hate how quickly time flies.
• I just remembered I'll be turning 26 in a little over a month.  I like 26 because it's an even number, but it's a little too close to 30 than I'm comfortable with.  

now I wait

4:17:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

Once again, Nick is gone... it isn't the first time, and unfortunately it won't be the last.  He will be in Mississippi for the next 3 weeks for annual training, or as I like to call it "playing Cowboys and Indians".  He left bright and early this morning on a fancy charter bus complete with satellite television.  If I've learned one thing during the past year, it's not to feel too sorry for the troops and their rough conditions.  Of course deployment is a different story, but during drill weekends and training they're usually living pretty nice and not working too hard.  I mean, really, what boy doesn't dream of spending his time shooting guns and simulating war?  It's all little boys do growing up.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge supporter of our troops and I'm more than happy knowing they're given nice accommodations and allowed to have a little fun when they're able to.  After all, 12 months away from family and friends in the desert isn't my ideal vacation.  They actually deserve more than they're given... they sacrifice their lives and defend our country, all in a day's work.  And while we sit around and complain about not enough paid holidays or having to work a little late one night, you'll never hear a soldier complain about his job.  They're proud of what they do, and they should be.

It's only been a few hours since Nick left, and already I miss him so much.  If there's one thing I can thank the Army for, it's allowing me to never take my husband for granted.  I spend too much time missing him and waiting for him to come home to not appreciate him when he's here.  Sometimes all I feel like I do is wait... wait for him to come home, wait for the next assignment, wait for the next phone call.  But it's all worth it... Nick is living his dream and reaching his goals, and I couldn't be more proud of him.  Not to mention he looks pretty good in uniform.

tick tock

11:50:00 AM Unknown 1 Comments

I'm not a crier.  We all have our moments (especially around a certain time of the month), but I rarely cry.  I can hear tragic stories, watch heart-wrenching love stories, and witness the suffering and death of patients in the hospital, and although I'm sad I just don't cry.  Call me cold-hearted, uncaring, whatever... but it's just how it is.  I know deep down I'm a very compassionate person (and nurse!), but it doesn't usually show on the outside.

Recently, however, I've found that there is one thing that is guaranteed to bring tears to my eyes every time... the birth of a newborn.  During my OB rotation this summer I observed anywhere from 2-5 deliveries in each 12-hour shift, and each time my eyes got just a little watery.  I even found myself crying while watching TLC's "A Baby Story" yesterday.  I don't know exactly what it is, but it gets me every time.  I think it's a combination of the sheer joy and pride on the parent's faces the first time they see their baby, the overall exhilaration of the moment, and my own biological clock ticking louder and louder.  I can only imagine what I'll be like during the birth of my own children... if you plan on being there you might want to wear a raincoat.

oh happy day!

9:39:00 AM Unknown 0 Comments

change happens

5:09:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

So I'm officially a married woman these days.  So many things seem to be changing, but at the same time everything seems to be staying the same. Nick has been my best friend for the past six years, and we have lived together for so long that marriage seems to be nothing more than a sheet of paper. Not that I don't absolutely love that he is finally my husband, but my daily life didn't drastically change when we got married. At the same time I'm only 3 months away from graduating from nursing school, and hopefully less than a year away from becoming a mother. Talk about life changing. I'm anxious, I'm excited, I'm scared... but most of all I'm ready. The most important moments of my life seem to be happening all at once, and I love it. The best part is I don't have to do any of it alone... I have the most amazing husband that supports me through everything, and I couldn't ask for anything more.

One thing I'm not looking forward to in the coming months- Nick's deployment to Iraq. This will be his first tour, and my first big challenge as an Army wife. He'll be leaving December 5 for three months of training in Mississippi, and then will be on his way to the Middle East for a 12-month deployment. It won't be easy, but I know we can do it because we have to. I'm living proof that you can find a way to make it through anything if you have to. Looking at the big picture a year is only a very small portion of our lives together, but those 12 months are going to feel like an eternity. When he leaves I will be a 26 year old student and military wife, only responsible for myself, and when he returns I will be a 27 year old registered nurse and the mother of his child (if everything goes as planned- cross your fingers!). It's never easy to see him go, but I'm comforted knowing how proud I am of the brave man that he is, and what he is willing to do for our family and our country. I'm truly blessed, and I know it. Life will go on, and it will only get better from here.

With all of the new experiences and changes in my life right now, it seemed appropriate to begin writing about them. We often take for granted the little things in life that make us who we are, and I want to take the time to reflect upon my journey before I get lost in the chaos of life.

white phase begins

8:11:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

It's been a while since my last post... since then Nick has completed Red Phase and has been promoted to squad sergeant. He's now in charge of 12 men in his platoon, and has a lot more responsibility. Only a few guys out of 54 were given leadership positions. I'm so proud of him and everything he's accomplished.
In other good news, I get to see him in 37 days! At the end of basic training (the 1st 9 weeks) the base holds a family day weekend and the soldiers are given a 3 day off-post pass. I have already booked our hotel and scheduled the dogs to be boarded! Luckily his leave falls on Memorial Day weekend so I will be able to stay for the full 3 days without missing any classes. I can't wait to see him... I dream about it every night. I know I will have butterflies in my stomach for the entire 5 hour drive to Columbus.
I don't cry as often these days, but I still miss him like crazy. I will never get used to not having him around. The nights are still lonely, and the days seem to go by slower and slower. 70 more days until he comes home...

I hate silence

10:59:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

The last few days have been a little better, but I think it has more to do with the distraction of school than getting used to him being gone. Today was my second day without a letter from him. He warned me that when they officially started basic he wouldn't have time to write for a while, but that doesn't make it any easier. I can only imagine the look on my face when I opened an empty mailbox for the second day in a row. I hope he's enjoying everything that he's going through, and I hope that he is safe. Silence always worries me.
I'm tired of spending the nights alone, I'm tired of wedding planning alone, I'm tired of the silence in the house, and I'm tired of waking up next to Kilo instead of him. I can't imagine the day that he is deployed overseas and I'm forced to live without him for 12 months. I can't seem to make it for 2 weeks; how could I ever make it for a year? I think that's the hardest thing through all of this... knowing that when he finally comes back to me he will inevitably leave again. I've decided that life as a military wife sucks.

last call

10:09:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

Nick surprised me with another phone call today. Once again it was over as soon as it began. He has not received any of the six letters I have sent, so I assume he never will now that he is at basic with a new address. I wanted to stay strong and positive for him, but halfway through our conversation I began crying. I continued to cry for another hour after the call ended. Living without your best friend is not easy, and I can't say that I'm handling it well. I have a hard time believing that he is coming back, even though I have no reason not to. It's been 11 days without him and I don't feel any better than I did the day I dropped him off.

no more counting.

7:25:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

The last 10 days have felt like an eternity. Luckily I have received a letter from Nick everyday, and that is the only thing that keeps me going. Unfortunately it seems that the letters will stop soon and I don't know how I will handle that. In his letter today, Nick wrote that they finally shipped to basic yesterday and apparently he won't be able to write for at least a few days if not longer. He also informed me that our 14-week countdown did not begin until he arrived at basic. So instead of being separated for 14 weeks we will be separated for at least 15 weeks, and I'm starting to think that it may end up longer than that. If there's one thing I've learned about the military, it's that nothing is ever certain.
The sergeants like to tell all of the soldiers at basic that their girlfriends and wives will all cheat and eventually leave them, and the last thing I need right now is for Nick to doubt our future together. I've tried to convince him that I would have never made it this far and put up with so much only to leave him, but I guess it's hard to believe when everyone else wants to tell you something different. I know how much he loves me, so I guess I will just have to prove my loyalty and trust one more time.
I wish I could say that things are getting easier, but sadly nothing has changed. Some days are okay, and some days I feel like it's becoming even harder to cope without him. I can't even watch March Madness without getting upset, because I know that it's killing him to have to miss it. I'm becoming an emotional wreck.

hey good lookin'

10:01:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

I received my first letter from Nick yesterday. It was very short, but very sweet. They weren't allowed to sleep the first night they arrived at Fort Benning, and I feel terrible because we got less than 2 hours of sleep the night before he left. He won't have an address that I can write him at for at least another week.
Every day is getting a little better. I still fall asleep every night thinking about our reunion, but I'm starting to get back into my daily routine. My motivation for school has finally returned. I can't believe he's only been gone for six days... it feels like an eternity. 6 down, 100 to go... and tomorrow his countdown will be in double digits! It's the little things that keep you going :)

I love surprises :)

7:00:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

I got a very unexpected call today from Nick. He seems to be doing okay, but he didn't sound like himself. He's still in reception and is expected to start basic training on Friday. I didn't get a chance to ask exactly what they've been doing or what they will do for the next week, because our call ended after less than 2 minutes. Although I would never tell him this, I almost wish he hadn't called. I was so excited to talk to him and it put a huge smile on my face, but it seemed the call ended as soon as it began and once again I was crying. He did tell me that they will be able to call for 5 minutes every Sunday... those calls will have to be what keeps me going for the next 14 weeks. I have been crying myself to sleep the past few nights, and I hope that it gets better over time. For now I will try to stay strong, and try to stop drinking and sleeping the pain away. The hardest part is knowing that this is just the beginning. I can't imagine surviving for 12 months without him when he is deployed next year. At least now I can look forward to our wedding in August and the beginning of our lives as a married couple.

learning to live alone

2:44:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

It's only been 3 days since Nick left, but I'm already realizing how different my life will be for the next 4 months. The house is much quieter, and I'm remembering how much more work is involved in running a house all alone. I feel abandoned, anxious, depressed, and lonely, but I am also so proud of what he is doing right now. Serving his country is a dream he's had for a long time, and I know that this experience will make him a better person. For the first time he is doing something that he can truly be proud of, and something that will benefit our family for the rest of our lives. As difficult as this separation is I know that it will only make our relationship stronger and will bring us closer in the end. For now I am learning to live without my best friend by my side, and I am trying to stay strong for both of us. I can only imagine the emotions that he must be feeling right now as he begins this journey. I have been hesitant to write my first letter to him, because I am afraid to admit that I am not coping well and cannot stay focused on the life I must continue to live without him. He needs to hear that everything is okay and that I will make it without him, but I have never lied to him before and can't imagine starting now. I will give it a few more days, and will hopefully be able to write the positive letter that he needs most right now.