jinxed againAs usual I've managed to jinx myself. I was just bragging to Nick and my mom about how well I was handling everything... I was going on and on about accepting things you can't change and making the best of them, like having your husband on the other side of the world months away from coming home. I talked about staying busy and happy, and that this deployment wasn't as bad as I thought it would be- and I truly believed that at the time. It WAS going great, I WAS doing well, and I felt so confident that the next 9+ months would be gone before I knew it. I was so happy, and enjoying every minute of life.
It always amazes me how quickly things change.
I've found myself cuddling on the sofa with my dogs tonight and crying for hours. Well, not really crying, but being sad and lonely with tears in my eyes. I miss him so much right now it hurts.
I'm sad that he's not sitting on the sofa next to me... I'm sad that he won't be here tomorrow to garden in the patio and enjoy the beautiful Spring sun... I'm sad that I ate a lonely meal at one of our favorite little diners all alone today... I'm sad that he won't even recognize our house when he gets home... I'm sad that it keeps getting longer and longer before we'll start a family... I'm sad that Summer, and our anniversary, and my birthday, and Halloween, and Thanksgiving, and so many special events in between will be spent without him. I'm just sad... REALLY sad.
I'll be fine tomorrow, and once again back to thinking that this deployment and the military life ahead of us is no big deal. Being an Army wife is emotionally draining, to say the least. I never know how I'll feel from one day to the next. I'm currently reading Under the Sabers, the book behind the tv show Army Wives, and I'm sure that's not helping my mood much today. I was hoping to find it inspirational and positive, but instead it's been all too real to enjoy. It also reminds me how much I wish I had more of an Army support system here. The National Guard sucks. All the same hardship and challenges that an Active Duty family faces, without the support and resources that a base offers.
When people that have no ties to the military find out that your husband is deployed for the next year, they look at you like someone has just died. I know they mean well, but they don't make it any easier. If one more person asks me if I'm scared something will happen to Nick while he's gone, I might just scream. No, actually I try not to think about it, but thanks for reminding me that my husband could die before our 1 year anniversary. Was I the only one taught to think before I speak? I'd much rather people respond by acting like I'd just said my husband was on a short business trip, or golfing with friends for the weekend. I don't want to dwell on the situation any more than I have to, so please don't make me. If I want to talk about how much it sucks to talk to your husband through bad internet reception one day a week, and sometimes forget every detail of their face without studying a picture, I'll be sure to let you know.
Yesterday I was sitting around thinking about Nick when I realized that I miss fighting with him. I don't know that I miss the huge blowout fights that defined our relationship years ago, but I do miss the frequent arguments over trivial insignificant things. I think that's when I realized that my longing for him had reached a whole new level. I just miss every little thing... the good and the bad. And I miss my best friend.