working mama: balance.

8:00:00 AM Jaclyn Armstrong 0 Comments

Balance. The key to happiness, fulfillment, and peace. A word that has no place in my life.

Back when life seemed perfect, when I worked part-time and spent most days with Logan, my life had a surreal sense of balance. I had the best of both worlds... plenty of time to snuggle and play with my little man, but just enough time away in the company of other adults to keep my sanity. I blogged my thoughts and pictures, used all my craftiness to tackle my favorite pinterest finds, met my bestest for weekly walks and lunch, kept the house clean and the kitchen stocked, and even cooked an elaborate meal every once in a while. I was doing (almost) everything in life I wanted to do.

Since becoming the breadwinner of the family, balance has been stripped from my routine. I spend most nights at work, at least 1 day recovering from night shift (and often 2, because my shifts are split most weeks), and the other hours/days I'm a walking zombie. I can't form coherent thoughts, let alone be inspired to write or make something brilliant. Most of my meals are granola bars or yogurt and lots of coffee. I see plenty of Nick, but I'm usually so tired and cranky (and resentful) that we can't enjoy a minute together.
My time with Logan is so limited it breaks my heart. For the past month he has begun crying whenever I enter the room or he hears the sound of my voice. If I'm home he wants serious snuggle time (which I love). I'm missing milestones and playtime... and days that I will never get back.

I can't find the time to do any of the hobbies I love. When I'm scrolling through posts or pinterest (at stoplights, while nursing, etc) it always saddens me when I realize I will never have time to do the things I find. Not this week, not next week, not next month. I have unfinished projects from the good ol' days collecting dust in the back of closets.

Work. Sleep. Repeat.

I've been hoping to find God and bring Him back into our lives, but most Sunday mornings I am leaving work only to return again Sunday night. I can sacrifice sleep to meet with a friend or for a playdate, but I can't enjoy anything when I've been up for 24 hrs.

I just can't get it figured out.

I need balance. I need to enjoy life again. I need to be happy to be at work, and happy to be at home (awake).


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