Logan's Birth Story: Reflections

10:21:00 AM Jaclyn Armstrong 0 Comments

Nearly 2 weeks since the most traumatizing day of my life, and I am still far from accepting the way in which Logan was brought into this world. Above all I am grateful that he is here and healthy, but I still can't let go of the natural, unmedicated birth I planned and hoped for. It would be somewhat easier if only a few small details were different from my ideal birth, but instead I feel as if everything about it was the opposite of what I wanted.

The hardest feeling to deal with has been feeling like a failure. I have struggled with this feeling for quite some time now, due to our struggles with infertility prior to conceiving Logan. I never completely dealt with our infertility, but easily pushed it out of my mind when Logan became a reality. When I didn't go into labor on my own I felt like I had failed once again. But the ultimate feeling of failure came after I gave everything I had to bring my baby boy into this world safely, and was still told it would never happen and a cesarean was the only option.

I feel cheated out of the amazing experience I looked forward to for so long. I'm angry that my son laid alone for 4 hours before I got the chance to meet him. It breaks my heart to think that he wasn't immediately put into my arms to be comforted and consoled.

I will likely never get to experience a vaginal birth, and I don't know it I will ever really come to terms with my experience bringing Logan into this world. I wonder if I could have done more, or done anything differently to change his delivery. I wish I could feel proud of myself when I look at Logan, but instead I only feel lucky.

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