I know it’s only January 11, but so far my New Year’s resolution is a success. I vowed to no longer let our infertility consume me, and not allow myself to become a ball of tears at the thought of it. I’ve spent the first 11 days of this year surrounded by pregnant bellies, and pregnancy announcements, and adorable little babies, and I’ve handled it better than I ever thought possible. Gone are the days of fighting back tears through a less than earnest smile and harboring jealousy toward those that seem more fortunate… instead I am genuinely happy for the blessings of children in everyone’s lives, and I don’t have to pretend to feel something I don’t.
Do I still want a baby? Without a doubt. Would I still be ecstatic if I learned tomorrow that I’m pregnant? Of course I would. But for now I’m content with the challenges we’ve been faced with, and I’m focusing on being grateful for what I do have- especially an amazing husband and partner to hold my hand and fight through this journey with me. I’ve also been faced with the thought that with The Husband’s possible upcoming deployment, our dreams of having a baby may be put on hold even longer. He would most likely be mobilized as early as March, and would be gone for at least 15 months before returning home. And surprisingly, I’m okay with the delay in starting our family.
I also haven’t lost hope. Anything can happen, and while I don’t expect any surprises in the near future I also know that things happen when you least expect them.
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