Jaclyn Armstrong: nurse

Showing posts with label nurse. Show all posts

A few weeks ago, in an effort to bring a little more happiness to our lives, I started a new job. A normal Monday through Friday, 8-5 kind of job. Gone are long hours at the hospital, working every holiday, and a chaotic life of little sleep and no routine.

Being home with my boys every night for dinner and bedtime has been great. Weekends as a family with normal sleeping hours has been even better. Having a smiling little boy speed crawl to me in the afternoons when I pick him up from daycare is an added bonus.

The one thing I wasn't ready for? Serious mommy guilt. Before this job change Logan was in daycare 3 days a week. I missed him like crazy, but I never felt very guilty because I knew how good it was for him to get the socialization and interaction that only daycare can provide. I don't know why 2 more days has made such a difference, but it is killing me. I know we're doing the best we can, and what we have to do, but I hate feeling like my child is with strangers more than he's with us. I hate not knowing what's going on in that little head of his. And as much as I love his reaction when he first lays eyes on me in the afternoon, it breaks my heart to see the tears roll down his face when I tell him bye every morning.

I try to remind myself that daycare is good for his development. I remind myself of the millions of other parents and kids going through the same thing. And Nick reminds me that Logan will never love me any less because he spends his days in school. But all of the reminders in the world can't take away the pit at the bottom of my stomach Monday through Friday.

For now I will work as hard as I can to race to that sweet little face as fast as I can every day. And I will cherish the time we do have together, and family meals at the dinner table, and tucking my sweet little boy into bed each night. Things I have missed or taken for granted for far too long.

Jaclyn (@jaclynarmstrong)
11/2/12 1:21 AM
1: Thankful to have a career I can take pride in, especially when the days are exhausting and the nights are long. #nursetweets #30days

By now we have all seen the tremendous impact of Hurricane Sandy on the east coast. It is one of the most devastating natural disasters of my lifetime. So many stories have been shared of heroic efforts within communities, but the ones that always stand out to me are the stories of nurses and their efforts under horrendous circumstances. (You can read about the brave nurses that manually ventilated tiny NICU babies to safety here.) Nurses worked long exhausting hours without eating, without breaks, and without proper medical equipment to save lives. As they always do. I have never been more proud to be a nurse.

I complain about my job a lot. I complain about management and hospital administration, redundant policies, understaffing, lack of support, arrogant and impossible doctors, poor communication, etc. But the fact is, despite the shortcomings in the medical field, I love what I do. I love having a career that I can be proud of. I love the genuine appreciation I receive from patients daily, and watching patients walk out of our doors healthier and smiling after far too many days in our care. I love providing safety and companionship to an elderly dementia patient without any family. I love being a nurse.

I work on a surgical oncology unit. I'm with some patients for weeks on end as they recover from a complicated surgery. I'm with other families as they struggle with the shock and heartache of a new cancer diagnosis. I watch some patients fall apart as they live out their final days of a poor prognosis. I offer a listening ear and a helping hand, and wipe their tears away. I am humbled every day.

Nursing is such a challenging job, but also so very rewarding. I'm usually exhausted and counting down the days or hours until my next day off. But I always have great pride when I get to share what I do for a living with someone else. And that is the best part of the job.

Nick has spent the last week in Mississippi for annual training with the TNARNG, which means I have spent the last week at home with my little man. I have loved every second of it. I've savored every snuggle, stolen ~~a few~~ a thousand extra kisses, and lived my life the way I always dreamed it would be.

If the last 6 months have taught me anything, it's that I will never get used to being away from my little love. He truly is the light of my life, and brings so much joy to each day. Leaving him at home while I go off to work will never get easier. I can never get enough smiles or giggles from that little boy.

I know many moms struggle with the same challenges that I do, but I don't have to like it. The realization that this week is coming to an end brings tears to my eyes. The past few days have been nothing short of amazing.

I'm terrified that when I return to work tomorrow, my relationship with little man will change. We will always share a special bond as mother and son, but it isn't the same when I'm out of the house most nights of the week (and sleeping my days away). It hasn't been the same since I went back to work full-time. I love being his comfort and security, and I don't want to hand the reigns back to Nick (even though he truly does an amazing job). It hurts to know I can't be the constant in his life that I want to be.

For now I will rock him a little longer, hug him a little tighter, and make every moment we have together special. And when Daddy returns home next week, I will do everything I can to keep him a Mama's boy.

I'm on-call for work tonight, which is bad for our bank account but good for the blog. I may not write the most eloquent or exciting of posts, but I have missed it so very much.

July was b.u.s.y. It started off with a visit from Mom, Dad, and the girls, a short weekend trip to Chattanooga, and ended with a wonderful (almost) 4 days spent ~~at home~~ in NC visiting family. As much as I loved our trip as the perfect way to end a perfect July, it was the first time Nick and I agreed that we are no longer waiting for the day to move back to Winston-Salem. We LOVE Nashville. In 7 years it has become our home, the place we officially started our lives together, and where we began our family. As great as it would be to live a short drive from our families, we're just not ready to give up everything we have created here. It's a bittersweet ending to a decade of wishing and waiting for a chance to bring us back to our beloved state. (Don't worry Mom, we promise to visit often :)

Between weekend getaways and adventures, I have continued working 4 nights a week to support our family. I'm not always thrilled to go to work (especially on night 3), but it's a small sacrifice to give us such a wonderful life. We always have 3 day weekends, and it was so easy to make an impulsive trip home for a long weekend.

During the wee hours of the morning, when my patients are sleeping and my eyes begin to feel heavy, I often find myself daydreaming about all of the things I have wanted to do with my life. Of course I realize that most are not practical and may never happen, but a girl can dream. I think about what it would be like to be prepping and decorating my 2nd grade classroom for the imminent school year, or spending my weekends shuffling around town capturing the memories of weddings, first birthdays, and soccer games. I think about the look in Nick's eyes as he watches the restaurant he has created from nothing, or the sweat dripping from his head as he steps out of his plane on a hot Saturday afternoon. I dream of sipping coffee while watching others browse my gallery of paintings, or the little booth I've set up at a local craft fair.

Sometimes I think that I need to focus on reality and the life we have, but other times I fear that I will wake up one day and realize it is too late to follow any of the paths I have dreamed of. I'm trying to figure out how to balance family, hobbies, and dreams. I'm researching local art classes and mapping out tentative plans.

This post has been all over the place, but so is my mind right now. I'm so grateful for everything I have, but I can't help but wonder what could be. For now, I leave you with pictures of our sweet baby boy (6 months tomorrow!)

Thanks to an over abundance of hormones and many sleepless nights, I fought with Nick a lot when Logan was first born. I felt as if he had no idea how difficult each day at home was... I thought there was no way he could understand how frustrating and exhausting it was to entertain a baby all day and keep a house even remotely clean. I think this is a common issue among new parents. In fact, I even read a book about it (Babyproofing Your Marriage- I highly recommend it!). The working parent is usually envious of the relaxing, carefree life they imagine the one staying at home to have, while the stay-at-home parent dreams of adult interactions, and time alone and away from the house. Even when both parents work (as was our former situation), one parent usually feels like they are doing more of the work of maintaining the house and raising the baby.

Well, guess what? I have had many days of living in Nick's shoes as the full-time working parent, and I don't like it. I think back to all of the nagging I did for so long... he didn't do enough of the work around the house, he didn't play with Logan long enough before or after work, he didn't rush home fast enough to relieve me of the parenting duties... the list goes on and on. Now that I'm the working parent, and Nick is the stay-at-home Dad? I couldn't regret my complaints more. Yes, it is nice to be away from the house and only be responsible for myself. But my heart feels like it is ripped from my chest every night I have to leave Logan. I hate not having more time to spend holding him, or singing silly little songs, or taking walks around the lake. And any little bit of energy I have after a long 12-hour shift is spent soaking in every bit of my little man, not caring if the dishes are done or things are picked up around the house.

Every marriage would benefit from even one day of living in each other's shoes. From my own experience, the grass isn't always greener. I will say, though, that I haven't at all missed the responsibility of scrubbing the shower each week. I haven't cried over handing over the grocery shopping duties. And I definitely appreciate my uninterrupted showers, afternoon naps between shifts, and never reaching a level of frustration with Logan because I am so grateful for each moment I get to spend with him.

What's even worse about our situation is that Nick has truly embraced his new role, and is much better at it than I was! I constantly complained about never having enough time to clean or cook because Logan was so much work, but our house has remained spotless since Nick took over. He never complains about anything, and even finds time to repaint our entire downstairs or install a new brick patio for the grill. (Have I mentioned that since he took over our finances for the first time in 10 years, he has developed a plan to have us free of our credit card debt in 3.5 years? Apparently he's better at that, too.) He's pretty much amazing. While I hate that I'm no longer #1 in Logan's life, it melts my heart to see the love he has for his Daddy. It is such a relief to know that although I'm away from him 50+ hours each week, he is able to be with one of his parents 24/7.

This transition has been difficult, to say the least, but I am learning to let go and be thankful for all of the blessings in our lives.

Where do I even begin? It's been almost a month since my last post, and so much has changed.

Several weeks ago Nick was offered a position back in the world of contract security management (his specialty). It meant better, more flexible hours that would have allowed me to work more as needed, and spend more time as a family. His previous job did not allow us to spend any days at home together, and we found ourselves running our home like a business. I was not happy. This new position seemed to be the answer to our problems, and also offered a raise from Nick's current income. It was the perfect opportunity at the perfect time.

He accepted the offer, gave his 2 week notice to his current employer, and we made plans for the future. The morning before he was to start his new job, the manager unexpectedly called to resend the offer. To say we were shocked and angry would be an understatement.

Overnight I found myself working 50-60 hours a week (from 2 shifts/24 hrs per week). I went from being a semi-stay at home mom to a full-time working woman. I have nothing against those that choose to work outside of the home 40+ hours a week with small children, but it has never been what I wanted. I am grateful to have a job that allows me to work as needed, and also pays extremely well for what I do (PRN premium pay!), but the change has turned my world upside-down.

I have struggled with so many things in the last few weeks.... I am trying to adjust to seeing Logan less and less, losing my freedom and time with friends, battling low milk supply issues as a result of full-time pumping 5 days a week... the list goes on and on. My emotions have been all over the place, and unfortunately my marriage has suffered the most during this transition. Things are slowly on the mend as I accept this new lifestyle and learn to balance work and family, but it has been the hardest thing I've ever done.

More to come...

Things have been tough lately. And by things I mean money. And bills.

I worked so hard for 2 years and saved all of my PTO for maternity leave, and was blessed with 10 weeks of 100% paid leave when Logan was born. But while I was out Nick made a career change that not only decreased his pay, but also made it near impossible for me to return to work. Logan is 3 months old, and I've worked one shift. Unfortunately we are a 2 income family out of necessity.

Just when we were about to make some drastic changes that would have long-term effects on our finances, happiness, and marriage, a perfect opportunity arose. The chance to work a few shifts this weekend around Nick's work and drill schedules (ANOTHER drill weekend!). I will be headed to work tonight after Nick returns home and the rest of the world is sound asleep, and I will race home before the sun comes up to take over mama duties while Nick travels for a long Army day. I will take care of my little man all day, then head back to work for 11 hrs tomorrow night. And just when I think I can't go any longer without sleep, I will work a full 12-hr shift Sunday night. This is my chance to prove I can do anything for our family, and our first true test of parenting. We've survived worse.

I'm looking forward to this weekend as a challenge. I'm ready to prove that I can do it all when times get tough. I refuse to sit back and watch everything we've worked so hard for slip through my fingers. At the end of the day I will do anything for Logan. He is worth a lifetime without sleep. And despite the challenges he has brought to our family, I wouldn't change it for the world.

Many times, through the sweat, tears, and frustration that my job as a nurse brings, I forget how rewarding it can be. There are so many life lessons that can be taught in caring for others and hearing their stories of challenges and triumphs. This week I was slapped in the face with the reality of one woman's life, and fortunately for me I will never be the same.

I'm the first to admit that I take like for granted far too often. I whine because I often have to work 50-60 hours a week for our family to make ends meet, or because we aren't exactly where we thought we would be entering our 30s. I complain that our house is too small, or that the area of town we live in makes me miserable. I don't see everything we have been blessed with in life and I'm far too often jealous of the lives of those around me.

I wish I could share the story of this young woman that I cared for. It is hard to look at her life without tears in your eyes for the devastation that has plagued her family. But she taught me how to look at my life in a completely different way in the few days I cared for her. Not once in those days did I think poor, pitiful me for having to work 5 12-hour shifts this week. I didn't feel sorry for myself because my back ached, or I hadn't seen my husband in days. I didn't stress and worry about how we will never be able to give our son everything we want, or ever find ourselves out of debt. I felt lucky to be alive. I felt lucky to not only have a job, but have a job that allows me to work overtime when I need to earn more money. I felt grateful to have this little baby growing inside of me, whether I felt ready or not. I felt lucky for every little and big thing in my life.

I hate that it takes experiences like this to give me a more positive aspect on life and feel gratitude for the life I have been granted. No matter how bad things may seem sometimes, it can always be worse... A LOT worse.

I haven't been feeling particularly bad lately, but I also haven't been in the greatest mood either... I've just been living life day by day. Not everyone is born with a sunny, glass-is-half-full kind of personality, and some of us need to be reminded of the good things in life to keep a smile on our faces. And that's okay.

I've really embraced my new running lifestyle, and although I don't look forward to running every day I can honestly say I enjoy the change. I run at least 6 days every week... I still can't believe I can truthfully write that. I really am a runner now, just not quite the distance runner I was hoping to be after a month and a half into my plan. I'm still only running 2-3 miles, which is a long way from the 13.1 miles I'll be running at the Women's Half Marathon in September. But I haven't given up, and that means more than any numbers that could ever measure my progress. I just began running indoors this week, because I couldn't stand the 90 degree temps at 8 in the morning. There are both good and bad to this: I HATE running on a treadmill (I definitely thought it would be easier, and was sadly disappointed), but I love adding an extra hour of weight training every day after my run. It's the perfect combination.

I've also started eating a lot healthier. I didn't eat terrible before, but my diet now is almost entirely made up of fresh fruits and vegetables mixed in with a little hummus and turkey or chicken salad. These are my favorite foods anyway (except for Mexican... that will always be an occasional necessity), but I've stopped being lazy and grabbing the more convenient snacks and meals lying around. I've also started grocery shopping immediately after my workouts (I know my fellow shoppers at Publix appreciate this), which makes it almost impossible to buy anything unhealthy. I entirely skip the middle section of the store, and only shop the perimeter. If I don't see it and know it exists, I can't want it. Simple as that.

What else? Oh yeah, the end is near. Since I can't share anything without risking OPSEC, I'll just direct you to this link: TN National Guard Troops Return From Iraq Early. I'll leave it at that.

No, actually I won't. Can you imagine the most annoying cheerleader in the world jumping up and down and screaming in your face? That's going on inside of me right now. You'd probably never know it, especially since I'm not really allowed to share my excitement with the world, but I'm doing it now. When I read that article on my way home today (I don't usually play with my phone while driving but I was stuck in standstill rush-hour traffic, just for the record), I literally teared up when I saw the picture of the women hugging her husband. I can't wait for that day to get here, but I also never want that moment to end because I know it will be magical. And completely unforgettable. We're so close to everything I've been dreaming about for the last 7 months, and it feels incredible.

I'm also a lot more appreciative of my job today than I have been in weeks. A good friend of mine needed help with bookkeeping/accounting/tax stuff, and I took the job to add a little extra to our vacation fund and help a friend out. And do you know what I learned in two 8-hour days working my new second job? I do not miss working in an office all day, every day. Not. At. All. I hate staring at a computer screen and having my butt glued to a chair for 8 hours a day. I would much rather be running around like a mad woman/drug dealer/waitress (aka RN) for 12 hrs any day of the week. It's just not for me. Patients and families often tell me they could never work a 12-hr shift, but I promise 12 hrs as a bedside nurse is a lot shorter than 8 hrs at a desk. I've lived both lives, and I hope I never find myself back in an office full-time.

One more thing... I don't know if it was writing about it, or my more positive outlook today, or maybe a combination of both, but I didn't have the wedding obsession today that I usually experience. I actually spent a while pre-planning a friend's wedding on the phone, and I enjoyed every minute of it. I still dreamed about having the wedding we were talking about, but without the regret and anxiety I normally feel. All weddings are beautiful, and magical, and memorable (okay, maybe not all weddings). I was able to focus on the good pictures and memories, and never once stressed about anything I would have done differently. I may not get the chance to do my wedding again, but I will be able to celebrate anniversaries, and baby showers, and kids' birthday parties, and all of the other many celebrations in life. Besides my parents (and probably only because they footed the bill), who even remembers my wedding a year later? It really doesn't matter. I'm married to the man that I love and will spend the rest of my life with, and I'm happy. Even on bad, depressing days, the thought of Nick and what we share can keep me smiling for hours.

The thoughts keep pouring in, but I'll try to keep this from becoming a novel. I'm happy, looking on the bright side of life, and that's all that matters. Now if only this mentality would stay while I work the next 6 out of 7 nights...

I thought I was adjusting to night shift well. I was having no trouble staying awake all hours of the night, no trouble sleeping during the day, and I felt good. But as they say, all good things must come to an end.

On Saturday morning, after my last shift of the week, I stopped at the Y on my way home for a little ab work and yoga to release the tension I was feeling. I got home around 10, and after taking the dogs for a walk and my normal routine I was in bed asleep by 10:30am. I was planning on taking a 3 or 4 hr nap so that I wouldn't sleep the entire day away, and would be able to sleep at night to prepare for the cookout I was going to on Sunday. Things don't always go as planned. I slept straight through my alarm until 6pm when I forced myself to roll out of bed feeling like I had been run over by a truck. I drank some coffee (A LOT of coffee), took the dogs for another walk, showered, went to the grocery store, and did a little cleaning. At about 10:30pm I decided to relax and watch a little TV, since I hadn't even turned my TV on all week. I found something to watch, got comfortable... and passed out by 11pm with both of the dogs laying on top of me. I'm sure you're thinking there's no way I slept long after getting 7+ hrs of sleep during the day, but I did. What can I say, I'm talented. I didn't just get a few hours of sleep, I got another 8 HOURS of sleep. When I woke up at 7am I felt great, but I'm sure 15 hrs of sleep in less than 24 hours had something to do with that.

I spent today down in Spring Hill for a cookout, and after getting home around 8 I was already tired again. I made it until 10, when I decided I had to take a nap. I made myself wake up at 12am, but now it's almost 5:30am and I'm wide awake. It's the first time I remember feeling this rested in days... maybe weeks. It's probably a good thing I'm up so late because I work again tomorrow night, but I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to fall back asleep.

So needless to say, I don't think I'm quite as adjusted to night shift as I thought I was. The worst part about all of it is feeling like I'm sleeping my life away. Hopefully my body finds some kind of rhythm to get into, because I can't handle my body wanting to sleep 24 hours a day. I never know when I'll be able to sleep, or eat, or have any sort of "normal" life. Thank goodness I love coffee.

I'm a freaking nurse. Licensed by the state of Tennessee. I push meds like candy, I stick tubes in any place I can find, I'm responsible for lives (& narcotics), I chart millions of words a day, and I sign my name with two beautiful letters behind it.

It's a great feeling.

In all seriousness, I'm loving my job as a registered nurse. Everything's coming together, and I see the difference I make in patients' lives every day. I feel independent, responsible, and like I've finally made something of myself. I guess it's about time after 5 years of school and 2 Bachelors degrees. I have a career... a REAL career. And a paycheck that can pay the bills with plenty to spare (it doesn't hurt that the government pays well when your husband is sitting in a war zone for the next year). I'm proud to be a nurse, and I'm proud because I'm a great nurse. I still have a lot to learn but I've mastered the most important skills- really listening to my patients and their families, providing comfort and security, and bringing smiles to their faces when they're going through terrible pain and suffering (and sometimes just a lot of whining). I don't ever want to forget why I chose the career I did, or become so burnt out that I lose the compassion for others that I feel every day in the hospital.

To sum it up, being a nurse ROCKS.

It's amazing the difference a day can make. My Sunday has been busy getting back into the routine of everyday life. There was laundry to be done, floors to be cleaned, and errands to be run. I've also spent a good majority of today making my first care package for Nick to celebrate Valentine's Day.

It wasn't that I didn't miss Nick today- I always miss him when he's gone- but I didn't let it consume every minute of my day. I focused on myself, and tried to ignore my aching heart as much as possible.

My career as an RN officially begins tomorrow. I am finally done with all of the general company and nursing orientation, and will start my first day on the floor at 7am. I'm a little nervous and anxious because it's been so long since I've worked in the hospital (my last clinical was Nov 14!), but mostly I'm excited. A part of me never thought I'd get to this point, because the last year has been so challenging. I never doubted that I would do well in nursing school, but I doubted I would survive our first year in the military. But here I am, ready to face anything and everything thrown my way head on. I can survive anything- WE can survive anything- and the more challenges we face together, the closer and stronger we are.

I can do this. I'll never stop missing Nick or counting down the days until he comes home, but I will survive our first deployment. Every day will get a little better than the day before, because I will be one day closer to being with my husband again. Whether we endure one deployment or twenty, we will make it.

"It's not going to be easy. It's going to be really hard. And we're going to have to work at this every day. But I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, every day." ~the Notebook

Jaclyn Armstrong

working mama: 8-5

be thankful (day 1)

working mama: back home

on-call.

perspective.

lately.

Looking up.

so grateful.

life really is good.

all good things must come to an end

In case you haven't heard...

I'm okay.

welcome!

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