am I mom enough?

10:16:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

As I sat down after putting Logan to bed tonight, I began scrolling through facebook. I saw picture after picture of cute kids dressed in the most adorable costumes. Some out trick or treating, others at church or community festivals. Some were much older than Logan, but many were babies his age or even younger.

The sad thing is, I never once thought about taking Logan out tonight to celebrate Halloween. Sure, I dressed him up on Sunday and we spent the afternoon at a festival in Murfreesboro. But most of today I didn't even realize it was Halloween.

I know it sounds silly, but I felt like a failure as a mom. A feeling I'm all too familiar with, and most moms can probably relate to. It doesn't matter what I do, I constantly question if I'm doing everything I can for Logan. Do we play outside enough? Do I read to him enough? Am I feeding him enough? Do I play with him enough? Is he as happy and healthy as he could possibly be?

I stress about his size as other babies grow bigger and taller. If he's the last of his friends to crawl, I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I still haven't forgiven myself for breastfeeding for only 7 months instead of the 12-15 I had planned. Yes, it's better than nothing, but I always wonder what I could have done differently to keep things going longer.

Sometimes I think I'm doing my best, but the truth is we can always do more. And that thought plays over and over in my mind every night. No one can help me with my insecurities but myself. Motherhood is stressful in a way I never could have imagined.

I've disabled comments for this post because despite what it may sound like, I'm really not looking for any words of encouragement. I know no one would really think I was a terrible mom. You could tell me a thousand times that I'm doing a great job, and I will still be hard on myself. At the end of the day I have a beautiful baby boy who knows he is loved more than anything in this world. That has to count for something.

vote for Logan!

8:17:00 AM Unknown 2 Comments

Logan has entered his first Halloween costume contest, for bragging rights of course.

Go to A Night Owl blog, click "vote" above the cutest superbaby (#11), and check out all of the other creative and adorable costumes.

In case you forgot just how cute he is, here's one more picture :)




 

 

 

superbaby!

11:25:00 PM Unknown 3 Comments

Is he not the cutest Superman you've ever seen?!?



I didn't have the time to make Logan's first Halloween costume as elaborate as I would have liked, but this is what I came up with for less than $10 and only an hour of my Saturday afternoon (and a refusal to use my sewing machine). Honestly, I would have bought his costume this year for convenience, but I couldn't find anything to fit my little petite baby!



I used a white onesie that we already owned (complete with a few stains around the collar from baby drool), and applied an iron-on Superman patch from Hobby Lobby. A blue onesie would have been more true to Superman's outfit, but white was already hanging in the closet.

I used a red Fuzzibunz diaper from our stash, which he wore without an insert over his real diaper and onesie. I used 1.5 inch yellow ribbon and created a belt using Tacky Glue and pre-cut velcro (previously purchased for paci clips).

I chose red fleece to make his cape, so that the unfinished cut edges wouldn't look quite so bad. It ended up being the perfect choice of material, as his cape doubled as a blanket at the windy fall festival we attended. I didn't use a pattern of any sort for the cape, only trial and error with my little baby model. I accordian folded each 2" end of the top and secured with Tacky Glue to give it a little dimension. I attached a zigzag red ribbon to the inside top of the cape with more glue, and loosely tied it around his neck.


The final accessory was a pair of red leg warmers from his sock collection (I believe they're made by Baby Legs?), over a pair of gray socks I put on him at the last minute for warmth.

I have to say, I'm a little proud of how cute it turned out given the very little effort I put into making it. I could have easily obsessed over every detail of his costume for weeks, but I'm so glad I didn't.

I can't wait to see all of the other adorable diy Halloween costumes!

lately (in links)

10:40:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

• Whether you think he did or didn't, I think we can all agree that this is a sad day in sports. He was (and is?) such a hero to so many people.

• I don't care who you are, baby announcements always put a smile on my face. Yay for newborn snuggles!

• The original photoshop.

• I hope everyone reads this. I wish I could say I'm surprised.

• What a beautiful, beautiful girl. Inside and out. Such an inspiration.

• I just found this community to share my journey. It's amazing how things always present themselves when you need them the most.

• This perspective on marriage couldn't be more true. It reminds me that I really did marry my best friend.

• I don't even know what to say about this. I'm definitely not mature enough to watch it with a straight face!

• My jaw is still on the floor after reading some of these stories. A few are so crazy you have to believe them.

• My favorite wooden toys are on Totsy today! Anybody want to loan me a credit card number?

lately (in links)

12:00:00 PM Unknown 1 Comments

• My heart breaks for this girl and her family. Technology is such a powerful, and dangerous, part of our world. How can you learn from your mistakes and move on when they haunt you for the rest of your life online?

• I'm still shaking my head over this story. I haven't read all of the details, but I've heard enough. If I'm selling my body for money, I better be making more than $150,000 in 18 months! Seriously.

• Every mom should read this advice. I know I need to make some changes in my own life, for me and my family.

• I'm running out of time for Logan's Halloween costume! Here are a few of my favorites (and my new pinterest addiction).

• I will definitely be crocheting these perfect little boots for Logan. One of my new favorite blogs (thank you Dottie)!

• This book is amazing. Can't. Put. It. Down.

• Guess I won't be dressing up as a skunk this year for Halloween after all. This sounds like a bad SNL skit.

The pumpkin patch.

8:54:00 PM Unknown 3 Comments

A beautiful, cool fall day.

Hot apple cider.

Boots.

The pumpkin patch.

A perfect Sunday.

dear Logan (8 months)

8:37:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

My sweet, precious little boy,

Is it even possible that you have been in our lives for 8 months now? What an amazing, incredible journey this has been. You have been more of a blessing than I could have ever imagined. Its hard to believe it's been 8 months since i brought you into this world, but I still can't imagine a second of my life without you in it.

You have become such a sweet, cuddly Mama's boy, and I absolutely love it. You love every one of the thousand kisses I smother you with daily, and you even offer a few of your own slobbery, open-mouthed kisses for me. There's never a time that mine or your daddy's entrance into a room doesn't bring the biggest smile to your face. Your genuine happiness in life is the most beautiful thing I've every seen.

You're still a tiny thing for your age, but to me you seem so big. You're skinny with long legs, and your big blue eyes and dimples melt the heart of every lady you meet. Your smile can light up a room. None of your teeth have made an appearance yet, but your little gums are so white I know the day is coming soon.

You love to go out and explore the world, as long as you're safe in Mama or Daddy's arms. You are a little shy with strangers and new places at first, but it doesn't take long for you to warm up to your surroundings. I wish more than anything that you take after your Daddy's outgoing personality instead of being shy like me, but only time will tell. Sometimes those of us that are the quietest have the most to say.

I love you so, so very much. You have taught me unconditional love in the most amazing way. No matter what you do in life and who you become, you will always be my little boy. You are the single greatest accomplishment of my life.

hugs & kisses always,
Mama

a little me time.

4:18:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

Today was a first for me.

I worked last night and Nick had errands to run today in preparation for training in the weeks to come. Normally in this situation I am forced to stay up between shifts and sacrifice sleep to take care of Logan. But today, I was exhausted. I asked him if there was anyway he could take Logan with him, and when he said yes I changed and dressed Logan and crawled into my bed to get some much needed rest.

When I woke in the afternoon, they were still gone. My initial reaction was separation anxiety, as I always see Logan as soon as I wake up. But after starting a load of laundry and a pot of coffee, I found myself hoping they would take just a little longer to return. Just long enough to drink a cup of coffee in peace and still see my boys before I left for work again.

I was surprised at how much I wanted some alone time. I felt a little guilty... until I realized that I am never alone. Sure, I've been away from Logan plenty of times for work, but never have I ever been at home, by myself, in the last 8 months.

On Thursday morning Nick will leave for Mississippi again for 2 and a half weeks, and it will just be me (and my amazing Mom for a week or so) juggling Logan, work, and keeping the house running. It's far from impossible, but it's definitely more work than when I can rely on Nick as a stay at home dad.

So instead of missing my boys, I found myself grateful for the few minutes I had alone. Just me, my coffee, and my thoughts. No need for conversation, changing diapers, or making bottles. I could have taken the opportunity to clean, but instead I chose to sit and relax. It felt great. A little me time.

And 15 minutes later they returned.

 

A late summer reunion.

8:00:00 AM Unknown 0 Comments

Amazing doesn't even begin to describe our weekend in NC.


We packed our bags and travelled home for the wedding of a high school friend... a mutual friend, but one of Nick's closest friends since childhood. The setting was beautiful at a quaint little inn in downtown Winston-Salem. I haven't seen a couple so happy, so in love, and so meant for each other in quite some time. It was a beautiful moment.

We missed both of our high school reunions this past year (same school, different years), so this wedding became our own reunion with some of our best and oldest friends. We were also joined by my inlaws, which only made the night better. We laughed and danced the night away. Our first night away from Logan... together, relaxed, and living carefree. I didn't realize how much we needed it.

 

Our trip home was also the usual reunion with our families. I love our lives here in TN, but there's nothing quite like being home surrounded by the ones you love the most. Logan had a blast!

 

 

finding God: update

12:00:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

Remember when I decided it was time to reevaluate my life and work toward finding a place for Him in it? That hasn't changed. The problem is I haven't had a single Saturday night off since I wrote that post... With the exception of our weekend in NC (which included a Sunday I was far too hungover to attend church and already had brunch plans with Nick's grandfather).

So here we are, a month later? And not much has changed. Nick may finally have a new job (fingers crossed!) and we were discussing how we would arrange our new schedules last night. Of course it looks as if I will continue to work Saturday and Sunday nights, so I don't yet have a solution for the church dilemma.

We may have to explore less conventional options for our family (Sunday nights? Wednesday nights?). I've also been thinking a lot about having Logan baptized in the Catholic tradition... more on that later. I feel like the clock is ticking on all of this and for once in my life I am finally motivated, yet nothing is falling into place the way I had hoped. Our list of churches to try is growing and growing, but we're not making any progress.

Hopefully it will all change soon.