no good, very bad day.

7:19:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

I don't know what my problem is today, but all I've wanted to do is cry.  I've been in a bad mood most of the day, and I can't snap out of it.  I don't get it... I should be happy because I started my job this week and I'm finally making money again.  I should be happy because I get to see Nick in 10 days.  I should be happy because my life is going well.  But I'm not.  I'm not happy at all.  I want to sleep, I want to cry, and I want to feel sorry for myself.

Maybe it's the weather.  Maybe I'm exhausted.  Maybe the excitement of new things is over and I'm settling back in to boring, everyday life.  Maybe I can't take another day of everyone around me announcing pregnancy or giving birth.  Maybe I'm tired of only getting to talk to my husband 10 minutes every night.  Maybe I want more out of life.

One thing's for sure... I need to get over it.  No one can make me happy but myself.  It's time to shake it off and start fresh with a smile on my face.

I think it might be a good night to indulge in a glass of wine and some mindless tv watching.

so. freaking. tired.

7:17:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

Today I survived the first day of computer training for my new job. It was a long, painful process. It's amazing how exhausted you can be after 8 hours of boredom. I'm a quick thinker, a quick worker, and a quick learner... and this training class was not designed for people like me. The only thing that made the day worthwhile was knowing I was making pretty good money for doing something that only required the comprehension and skill of a first grader.

On a good note, I'll be on my way to Mississippi to see Nick in 11 short days! I can't believe his leave is almost here. The first few weeks went by fast, but I've started to miss him more and more in the last few days. I would do just about anything to kiss him right now. It's only been 22 days since I last saw him, which is a sad reminder of just how long this deployment is going to be. I know I can do it and will be fine, but I just don't want to. Oh well... I accepted it a long time ago, and I'm just ready for him to leave so that we will be closer to the day he comes home.

We had our annual girls' trip to Gatlinburg this past weekend, and it was awesome as always. We make great memories together. Sometimes I forget how many great friends I have in TN.

all on my own

9:54:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

I miss Nick like crazy, but having him gone is definitely a blessing in disguise. I may not have thought that a few years ago, but when he's gone I realize how independent and strong I can be on my own. I'm also glad I chose to stay in Nashville during the deployment. The comfort and support of family members is wonderful, but learning that you can survive anything on your own is invaluable.

Prior to this past year of military life, Nick and I had only been apart once. It was the first time I was truly independent, and I learned so much about myself. Of course some days are hard, but other days you can hold your head up high knowing that you're making a life for yourself all on your own. It sucks when the water heater breaks, or your house becomes infested with termites, or you're forced to move all of your belongings to a new place... but nothing compares to the joy of finding a solution and resolving the problem without the help of anyone else.

The year ahead is going to be a long and difficult one, but I know I will come out of it a stronger and better person. I know I can do it. I refuse to waste my days sitting around mourning our separation, or crying myself to sleep at night because he's not laying next to me. He is always in my heart and I know he will always come back to me. Even when I forget, he's always there to remind me just when I need it the most. I will miss him every minute of every day, but I feel fortunate that I have such a wonderful person to miss. He is my heart and my soul, and no matter where I am he's right there with me. The deployments may be long and I'm sure we have many more in our future, but we have a lifetime together. Our life together is just beginning. There will be so many great moments in our future together, and I can't wait to enjoy each and every one of them.

For now I will miss him with a smile on my face.

almost there

10:56:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

I received my ATT and scheduled my NCLEX today! I'm only a few weeks away from officially becoming Jaclyn, RN, BSN. You have no idea how amazing it feels.

To make it even better, I scheduled to take the exam in Chattanooga at the end of January. If everything works out, I will get to enjoy dinner and a little quality time with my family while I'm there. I don't get to see them nearly often enough. Somehow I've managed to see them less since I moved to TN than when I lived further away in NC. It may be long overdue, but at least I have a plan in place.

I'm also really excited about visiting my aunt in the nursing home. She's been in a coma for almost 12 years now, and I feel guilty for not visiting more often. I probably won't be their favorite visitor, because now that I'm educated as a nurse I plan to point out everything they're doing wrong. Only the best for my family :)

I'll also visit my Granny's grave while I'm in the area. I've only been once before (she died in February 2007), so this is another visit that's long overdue. My Granny and I weren't particularly close- I was such a shy child, I didn't get close to anyone I didn't have to- but I love making up for lost time now. I miss her so much... she was the only grandparent I had as a child, and she definitely has a special place in my life and my heart. I've had a four leaf clover hanging from my rear view mirror since she died (she was born on St. Patty's day), and it has brought so much comfort and peace to me. For every stressful day and emotional roller coaster I've survived in the last 3 years, it has hung as a reminder to not worry about things out of your control but focus on the bigger picture. She's also a big part of the reason I chose a career in nursing. She was not a licensed nurse, but she was the most compassionate caregiver anyone could ever ask for. She cared for six children, including spending the last 9 years of her life caring for her oldest daughter in a coma, and she never once complained. She was never lazy, and never took the easy way out. I will always remember her with a smile on my face. And any day I become frustrated with a patient or lose my empathy for others, I hope to remember her to remind me why I chose the path I did. She is the most amazing role model anyone could have, and if I can be half of what she was I will be the greatest nurse Nashville has ever seen.

I'm still here

8:12:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

Just when I think I have everything figured out, something happens that changes everything. I was planning on making the 1st part of my move to NC on Friday, but after today I'm not sure I'll be moving to NC anytime soon. I received an amazing job offer at Centennial in Nashville this afternoon. Given everything going on right now, I don't feel like I have much of a choice but to take it. It is an AMAZING offer, and a job that I really think I would enjoy to start my career off right. I know there will be a lot of disappointed people in Winston, but I also know of a few girls in Nashville that will be jumping up and down when they hear the news.

I should be celebrating right now, but I have so many mixed emotions about my new plans. I'm relieved to have a job, excited to be working on an awesome unit with a great manager, anxious to finally begin my career, sad about not knowing when I will be in NC again, and depressed at the thought of spending any more time away from my family. I was so excited about moving back home. I had started planning the little things to fill my days... taking my nieces to the movies, or mall, or anywhere else they wanted to go... learning to scrapbook from the craft master (aka my amazing mom)... driving to Greensboro weekly to see my sister... lunch dates with old friends... babysitting my goddaughter... and just spending more time with my family, in-laws, and my long lost best friend. I know I can still move back home in the future, and there's a good possibility we may do that when Nick returns, but I can't stand another minute away from the town I left behind 8 years ago.

To all my NC family and friends, I'm sorry I got your hopes up. I will miss you all a little longer but I promise many visits in 2010! We'll be Carolinians again before you know it ;)

change is good, right?

12:36:00 AM Unknown 0 Comments

During the holidays I made the decision to move back to NC- which made Nick very, very happy- but I'm starting to wonder if I'm crazy. We've talked about moving back home for a long time now, and given my current employment situation and the impending deployment it seemed like the perfect time to make the move. I'm ecstatic about the thought of being surrounded by old friends and great family, but it's hard to leave the life I've created here in Nashville. I have great friends here and so much has happened in the 4 years we've lived in Tennessee. Most of all I'm scared about how I will handle my living situation in NC... I will be moving in with the in-laws, so it's great to know that I will be surrounded by family and won't have to live alone in the eerie quietness that plagues our house right now. But I don't know how it will really feel to give up my independence and the comfort of my own home. I haven't lived with anyone other than Nick for so many years, and I will be a guest in someone's house without my own space. We will save a ton of money if we're able to sell our house quickly, but I'm starting to wonder if it will be worth it. I also love the relationship I have with my in-laws, and I'm terrified that living with them will change it... I know from experience that living with someone changes everything. I've worked so hard to survive independently when Nick is gone, and it almost feels like I'm giving up or chickening out by moving back home. I'm 99% sure that moving to NC is the right move, but I can't seem to get the 1% of doubt out of my mind. If I make the move there will be no turning back, and that scares the hell out of me. I haven't lived in Winston for 8 years... what if I hate it? The only experience I've had there has been during holidays over the years and I know that I will probably be disappointed with the lack of excitement and entertainment on a day to day basis. Unfortunately I don't really have any more time to think about my decision, and I'm just going to have to go for it. I'm going to have to pretend to be a spontaneous person... not the OCD planner that I really am.

So I'm going to do it. Nick is thrilled to know that I will have the support of our families during the deployment, and I think he will sleep a little more peacefully at night while he's gone. If nothing else, that makes the risk worth it.

Farewell, Nashville. You've been good to me but it's time to say goodbye. We'll always have 8.15.09.