thoughts.This new chapter in our lives is testing my happiness and adaptability in ways I never imagined. I spend my days anxiously awaiting my next nap or shift, and my evenings feeling sorry for my self and the choices that have been made for me. My nights are consumed with work, and my moments at home are spent feeling exhausted and incapable of enjoying the life around me.
I know I should feel grateful to have a job that can support a family of three. I should appreciate the flexibility in making my own schedule, and only being away from my son at night when he is sleeping. I should be thankful that I have a husband that has embraced his new role in keeping our house clean, our kitchen stocked with groceries, and our son happy and full.
Unfortunately this is not how I feel. I'm angry that my life as a full-time mom has been stripped away from me indefinitely. I'm sad that I have so few moments with my two boys, and can't fully appreciate them because I'm exhausted from living off of 2-4 hours of sleep a day. I'm sad that I no longer have time for the things that bring peace to my life, like writing on this blog, crafting, and painting. I miss being with Logan every minute of every day, documenting his growth and changes through pictures and videos.
I feel so distant from Logan and the bond we shared for so long. I hold him and stare at the thickness of hair that has sprouted in my absence, and cry at the realization that he sits on his own so much better than I remember. I feel like I'm missing every milestone of his 5 month old life.
I try so hard to embrace this new life that has been given to me. I look for pride in the work I do caring for others, and the paycheck that allows our family to live comfortably. But more often that not, I fail. I fail at staying positive and reminding myself of everything that is good. I feel like a failure as a mother and wife. I struggle daily with the jealousy toward Nick now that he is living the life I always wanted at home with our son. Every day is a struggle of emotions and finding happiness.
It's hard to share these feelings because I know that things could be so much worse. I can't imagine where we would be right now without my career, or the amazing benefits that the National Guard provides for our family. I know so many people have it so much worse. So many other mothers deal with the same dilemma of working full-time outside of the home, and my situation is no more admirable than their own. But I still spend far too much of my time wishing it were different.