I'm not pregnant.
I've been gone for a while, and there's a reason for that. I've had a really difficult time lately and my patience has been tested in ways I never imagined.
Nick and I have been trying to have a baby for what seems like an eternity. Of course he's gone quite often, but when he's home my life is consumed with beginning the next chapter in our lives. Nothing about it has been easy.
Lately I have found myself so obsessed with it that I can't enjoy or appreciate anything else in life. The only time I'm even remotely happy is during the 2 weeks that I'm waiting to ovulate... when I know there is absolutely nothing I can do to change things. The rest of the month I'm depressed knowing that I'm not pregnant, or obsessing over every little change in my body wondering if "this is it", or following the internet lives and stories of others in my situation that are even more psychotic and obsessive than myself. It leaves me feeling empty, worthless, and ultimately a failure... wondering if Nick and I will ever know the joy and happiness of conceiving our own child.
These feelings might seem a little premature, because there are plenty of people that have been trying much longer than we have or have been through so much more during the process. But when I want something, I want it now. I've never been a patient person, and this experience has reminded me of that. It has strained my emotions, strained my mental health, and unfortunately even put some unnecessary strain on Nick and our marriage.
I can't let it control my life anymore. I am going to do everything in my power to focus on something else for a while, and try my hardest to ignore the clock ticking in my head. It's not going to be easy. But I want nothing more than to wake up one day and realize I'm a few days late, take a test, and share the surprising joy with my husband when I tell him the good news. I don't want making a baby to become a chore, or look back and remember this time as stressful or emotionally draining.
I don't know what's in the cards for us. I don't know if we'll have to dig further into fertility testing, or never be able to have our own child and end up adopting. But I also don't know that if I relax a little and let nature take it's course that we won't conceive many children in our lifetime. I need a new hobby or a new venture in life to be excited about so that it is easier to put this in the back of my mind for a while before I reach my breaking point.
I don't want this post to be completely depressing so I'll leave you with this... I can proudly say I completed my first half marathon! I crossed the finish line with a smile on my face holding the hands of two of my best friends in 2:24... not too bad for what seemed like 13.1 miles uphill! It was exhilarating and I can honestly say I had the greatest time doing it (except maybe the 13th mile). It's a moment that will live with me forever. There's no greater feeling than reaching a goal you never thought possible.