I hate silence

10:59:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

The last few days have been a little better, but I think it has more to do with the distraction of school than getting used to him being gone. Today was my second day without a letter from him. He warned me that when they officially started basic he wouldn't have time to write for a while, but that doesn't make it any easier. I can only imagine the look on my face when I opened an empty mailbox for the second day in a row. I hope he's enjoying everything that he's going through, and I hope that he is safe. Silence always worries me.
I'm tired of spending the nights alone, I'm tired of wedding planning alone, I'm tired of the silence in the house, and I'm tired of waking up next to Kilo instead of him. I can't imagine the day that he is deployed overseas and I'm forced to live without him for 12 months. I can't seem to make it for 2 weeks; how could I ever make it for a year? I think that's the hardest thing through all of this... knowing that when he finally comes back to me he will inevitably leave again. I've decided that life as a military wife sucks.

last call

10:09:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

Nick surprised me with another phone call today. Once again it was over as soon as it began. He has not received any of the six letters I have sent, so I assume he never will now that he is at basic with a new address. I wanted to stay strong and positive for him, but halfway through our conversation I began crying. I continued to cry for another hour after the call ended. Living without your best friend is not easy, and I can't say that I'm handling it well. I have a hard time believing that he is coming back, even though I have no reason not to. It's been 11 days without him and I don't feel any better than I did the day I dropped him off.

no more counting.

7:25:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

The last 10 days have felt like an eternity. Luckily I have received a letter from Nick everyday, and that is the only thing that keeps me going. Unfortunately it seems that the letters will stop soon and I don't know how I will handle that. In his letter today, Nick wrote that they finally shipped to basic yesterday and apparently he won't be able to write for at least a few days if not longer. He also informed me that our 14-week countdown did not begin until he arrived at basic. So instead of being separated for 14 weeks we will be separated for at least 15 weeks, and I'm starting to think that it may end up longer than that. If there's one thing I've learned about the military, it's that nothing is ever certain.
The sergeants like to tell all of the soldiers at basic that their girlfriends and wives will all cheat and eventually leave them, and the last thing I need right now is for Nick to doubt our future together. I've tried to convince him that I would have never made it this far and put up with so much only to leave him, but I guess it's hard to believe when everyone else wants to tell you something different. I know how much he loves me, so I guess I will just have to prove my loyalty and trust one more time.
I wish I could say that things are getting easier, but sadly nothing has changed. Some days are okay, and some days I feel like it's becoming even harder to cope without him. I can't even watch March Madness without getting upset, because I know that it's killing him to have to miss it. I'm becoming an emotional wreck.

hey good lookin'

10:01:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

I received my first letter from Nick yesterday. It was very short, but very sweet. They weren't allowed to sleep the first night they arrived at Fort Benning, and I feel terrible because we got less than 2 hours of sleep the night before he left. He won't have an address that I can write him at for at least another week.
Every day is getting a little better. I still fall asleep every night thinking about our reunion, but I'm starting to get back into my daily routine. My motivation for school has finally returned. I can't believe he's only been gone for six days... it feels like an eternity. 6 down, 100 to go... and tomorrow his countdown will be in double digits! It's the little things that keep you going :)

I love surprises :)

7:00:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

I got a very unexpected call today from Nick. He seems to be doing okay, but he didn't sound like himself. He's still in reception and is expected to start basic training on Friday. I didn't get a chance to ask exactly what they've been doing or what they will do for the next week, because our call ended after less than 2 minutes. Although I would never tell him this, I almost wish he hadn't called. I was so excited to talk to him and it put a huge smile on my face, but it seemed the call ended as soon as it began and once again I was crying. He did tell me that they will be able to call for 5 minutes every Sunday... those calls will have to be what keeps me going for the next 14 weeks. I have been crying myself to sleep the past few nights, and I hope that it gets better over time. For now I will try to stay strong, and try to stop drinking and sleeping the pain away. The hardest part is knowing that this is just the beginning. I can't imagine surviving for 12 months without him when he is deployed next year. At least now I can look forward to our wedding in August and the beginning of our lives as a married couple.

learning to live alone

2:44:00 PM Unknown 0 Comments

It's only been 3 days since Nick left, but I'm already realizing how different my life will be for the next 4 months. The house is much quieter, and I'm remembering how much more work is involved in running a house all alone. I feel abandoned, anxious, depressed, and lonely, but I am also so proud of what he is doing right now. Serving his country is a dream he's had for a long time, and I know that this experience will make him a better person. For the first time he is doing something that he can truly be proud of, and something that will benefit our family for the rest of our lives. As difficult as this separation is I know that it will only make our relationship stronger and will bring us closer in the end. For now I am learning to live without my best friend by my side, and I am trying to stay strong for both of us. I can only imagine the emotions that he must be feeling right now as he begins this journey. I have been hesitant to write my first letter to him, because I am afraid to admit that I am not coping well and cannot stay focused on the life I must continue to live without him. He needs to hear that everything is okay and that I will make it without him, but I have never lied to him before and can't imagine starting now. I will give it a few more days, and will hopefully be able to write the positive letter that he needs most right now.