watch me grow! (Adaleigh weeks 9 & 10)
working mama: the night before
It's 11:00pm. I'll be dropping the kids off at daycare at 7:00am. I am a sobbing mess. I am not handling it well AT ALL.I know there are plenty of working moms out there, but there are also a ton of stay-at-home moms. And I am so jealous of them right now. It may be the hardest job in the world, but it is the only job I want.
Adaleigh is so little. So innocent and new, with that perfect new baby scent and smooth, glowing skin. We've barely even met. I don't feel like we've had the time together that we need... the time to bond and get to know each other. She's only been here for 8 weeks.
Somehow I'm supposed to hand her off to someone else in the morning and turn my back. Someone that has no idea she already has a ticklish spot on her side, or loves to hear you sing her name. Someone that hasn't walked miles in circles around the house, just to get her to fall asleep. Someone that isn't planning for her first ballet recital, her first heartbreak, and the day she gets married. Someone that hasn't even met her yet.
I love hanging my walls with tiny little handprints and scribbles, and I love watching Logan light up at the sight of his friends in the morning, but I'm tired of sharing him. I don't want the tired, cranky Logan that I get as I scramble to make dinner after a long day of work. I want the happy, playful Logan just after a nap. I want surprise hugs and kisses throughout the day, and long walks around the neighborhood. I don't want a story at bedtime, I want a shelf of books throughout the day. I want the little baby I dropped off at daycare last year back in my life. I want all of the smiles and tears that I've missed for so long.
Those babies are my world. I will miss so much... so much that I will never get back. They will grow and change, all without me watching. They will never know the tears and heartache I felt every day I turned and said goodbye.
watch me grow! (Adaleigh weeks 7 & 8)
working mama: just breathe
Maternity leave is coming to an end far too quickly. I look at the untouched skin and innocent eyes of this precious little girl, and I can't imagine that she's ready to enter the world away from her mama. Tomorrow I will leave her to the care of another, hoping and praying she makes it through the day unfazed. I want her to miss me, but learn to survive without me. I want her to find the balance between relying on others for her basic needs, but still preferring mama any chance she gets. I hope she finds comfort and peace in her new surroundings, with her brother just a few steps down the hall. I pray that she feels loved, not abandoned. I hope that the days go by quickly, and the evenings at home together slow down to enjoy. I hope every minute I get at home with my little ones seems to last forever. Those moments are limited now, but I will cherish every one.
Even at 20 months, I don't find it easy to leave Logan every day. I worry that he doesn't understand why he's not at home with us every day. I'm scared that there are moments during the day that take him by surprise, and he doesn't have mommy and daddy for comfort. My heart is always with him, and I hope he feels the love we send with him every day.
Now we will leave two little ones, two precious souls, two innocent babies. I don't know that I will ever find peace with the guilt in my heart, but I try to remember that I am doing what I have to do. The last few weeks have been wonderful, and I will cherish them forever.
cue the tears.
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