Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts

on my heart.

I remember all too well the heartbreak and tears of infertility. Our journey to Logan wasn't easy, and every day of disappointment is burned in memory forever.

My heart aches for those still struggling with infertility.

I feel guilty that we were blessed with our little man, when for so long it seemed like it would never happen. I want to reach a hand to those hurting, but too often I stop myself before words can leave my lips. Did we struggle long enough? Does anyone that has lived with infertility for 5 or 10 years want to hear the sympathy of someone that only experienced it for 2 years, and now has a perfect baby boy sleeping upstairs? I remember far too well hearing the stories of those that had once been infertile, but they always fell on deaf ears. All I could think was, "but now you have a baby". 

 My thoughts are sincere, but I don't want to rub my blessing in anyone's face. I also don't want to be the person that provides false hope, because I got pregnant. I heard plenty of those stories myself, and I promise they do nothing for a hurting heart.

It's so hard to find the right words to say to someone grieving, and I can't say that I ever found something said to me helpful at the time. So for now I will keep my head bowed, my ears open, and my heart heavy... and my lips will stay sealed.

If you are one of the many out there hurting right now, please know that we never forget. We've lived it, and we feel your pain every day no matter how different our lives may seem.
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my first Mother's Day

One year ago today, I was relaxing in a lounge chair with a beer in my hand, the sun beating down on my arms, and the Thunderbirds flying over my head. We were at the air show in Smyrna, enjoying the day as a distraction from Mother's Day and our infertility struggles. I was armed with a positive spirit, a new camera lens, and a supportive husband at my side. It was nothing short of a perfect day.

Little did I know, that was actually my first Mother's Day. I likely conceived Logan less than a week before according to my due date. I had absolutely no symptoms, and at this point didn't believe we would ever have children naturally without medical intervention. But I wonder now if that little fertilized egg didn't have something to do with my positive attitude that day, and the lack of crying my eyes out on Mother's Day for the first time in 3 years (I'm sure the sun, beer, and planes helped too).

I would have never imagined that a year later I would be waking up to a bouquet of flowers, a beautifully written card from my husband, and my entire heart made into the most precious little miracle in my arms. It is more that I ever thought it could be. I've wanted children for as long as I can remember, but I really had no idea the way it would transform me and the way I look at the world. I could have never predicted the overwhelming love I have for that little boy, and the admiration I would have for my husband as his father. I never knew life could be so perfect and so full of happiness and love. It is absolutely magical.

My heart is heavy for those still waiting for their little miracles. Some have struggled for so much longer than I did, and I can't imagine continuing to face the world with such a brave face on such a heart-wrenching day. I've also been thinking a lot about all of the single parents in this world, and the lack of appreciation they likely feel on this day. I am truly blessed for all that I have, and I'm reminded more today to be thankful for what life has given me.

The last 3 months have also taught me just how little I understood about the sacrifices my own mother made for her family, and the love she has for us. I can appreciate all she has done so much more now. She is compassionate, self-sacrificing, and supportive. There has never been a day I questioned her love for me. She has always been there for every tear and every celebration. I share every detail of my life with her, and she still answers my phone calls every day. She's given up everything for me and my sister, and now my nieces. I will never be able to thank her enough. She is truly amazing.

I wish my Granny was still here, so that she could spend one more day knowing how much she is loved and appreciated. I can't imagine what it must be like for my mom or her siblings on this day. She was an incredible woman, and I only wish we could have had more time to get to know one another and become closer than we ever were.

To all of the mothers, single parents, grandmothers, and anyone else that has loved a child with all of their heart, Happy Mother's Day. Motherhood is the single most wonderful gift I have ever received in life. I'm never been more proud or grateful for all that I have.
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A little about our TTC journey...

Conceiving our little miracle baby was no easy task.  We spent over a year trying without success, until finally beginning fertility testing last summer/fall.  The news wasn’t good.  We learned that I didn’t ovulate regularly, if at all, and Nick’s little swimmers had a few problems of their own.  In short we were told it was “highly unlikely” that we would ever conceive naturally without medical intervention.  When you’ve been trying to conceive for what seems like an eternity, “highly unlikely” sounds just like “impossible”.  We were crushed.  


After a lot of thought and discussion (and crying on my part), we decided we would wait before our first IUI attempt.  It was just so overwhelming, and I knew I couldn’t emotionally handle it at the time.  Nick agreed, and we put our dreams on hold.  We began discussing adoption more seriously, and looking at all of the options for our future.


Sometime around the beginning of this year, I began to accept our fate.  It was truly a breakthrough.  It took months and months of depression and crying, but I made it.  I decided that rather than stressing over our fertility and starting a family, we should be cherishing our first few years of marriage as a free, young couple without any serious responsibilities.  For so long I felt like time was running out, but after this revelation I realized that 27/28 yrs old is YOUNG.  Really young.  We had plenty of time to do everything we wanted, and for now we would explore ourselves, our world, and our lives.  I felt relieved.  I felt free.


It had been so long since I had put a lot of thought into fertility, my period, or anything else related to baby-making.  I still can’t figure out what made me pee on that stick half-asleep the day my period was due (I wasn’t even late!).  Female intuition?  Who knows.  But you can imagine my absolute complete shock when I saw two beautiful pink lines appear almost immediately.  


My initial reaction wasn’t even excitement.  I didn’t know what to think.  I had finally accepted our fate and planned the next few years without babies.  I was only a few weeks away from my application being reviewed by the Army Reserve Nurse Corps board!  (this was part of my “live in the moment as a young free spirit” coping strategy).  This changed everything.  I’m a type-A hardcore OCD planner, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about having all of my plans turned upside down.


Of course that feeling didn’t last long (less than 24 hrs?!), and now I am full of nothing but excitement and anticipation for the weeks and months to come.  I haven’t felt this happy about anything in a long time… I wasn’t even sure I could be this happy anymore.  Infertility had sucked the joy and happiness out of my life for so long, and now this little poppyseed has already provided enough for a lifetime.   And so the real journey begins…
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