Jaclyn Armstrong

I used to run. Like really run. I transformed myself in 2010 from a proud, non-running, lazy lady into a half-marathon I-run-for-fun freak. I loved it. I lost weight, Nick and I had a new hobby to enjoy together, and did I mention I lost weight?

Then I got pregnant. I always vowed to run throughout my pregnancy, but then I got pregnant. And running with a huge belly when you already can't breathe and pee every 5 minutes? Not an easy task. I really admire the workout fanatics that actually stay fit while pregnant.

As soon as I was cleared by the doctor at 6 weeks postpartum I started to run again. It wasn't nearly as pathetic as my attempts to run when I first started in 2010, but it was pretty bad. But I worked hard, ran daily, and in a few weeks was back up to running 3 miles a day. I was ready to quit everyday, but Logan loved it. You can't argue with that.

At 5 months postpartum when I unexpectedly went back to working 50 hours per week, I made running a priority. I refused to give up everything I had worked for and loved in life, so every morning after a 12-hr shift I laced up my shoes, strapped Logan in our BOB, and off we went. My legs would feel like jello after being on my feet all night. I'm pretty sure sometimes I was running and sleeping at the same time. But I did it.

I did it for the first 3 weeks. And then exhaustion set in. I only get 3-4 hours of sleep between shifts (or really any day of the week), and it really started taking a toll on my body. I was tired, cranky, and hated life. The worst part was that after our morning runs I seemed to get a burst of energy and it took a few hours to cool off and calm down before I could go to sleep. I had to make a decision to keep me happy, and in turn keep my family happy. I quit running.

I never intended to completely quit, I just planned to stop running on days that I worked. There just weren't enough hours in the day. But on my days off we always had plans that ruined any plan of running in the morning or evening. When I found myself with 5 days off of work, we went out of town... where, again, I didn't run.

It hasn't really been that long since I've run... a few weeks, maybe... but it feels like an eternity. And when I haven't run for a while it is the most terrifying task in the world to me. Running can be fun, but not when you're out of shape and out of habit.

I'm off work for the next week (more on that later), and I'm hoping to restart my morning runs with Logan. He loves being outside, and that is one of the few ways I can tolerate it with the crazy hot summer we've had. I'm still hoping to run another half-marathon in the near future, and it's going to be a long 13.1 miles if I don't start training now.

I'll keep you updated.

Logan's nursery redo is almost complete, and I wanted to share one of the projects I am most proud of. I never found a mobile I liked in my price range, so I thought it was the perfect opportunity to make one myself. It was simple, quick, and cost less than $5. Best of all, Logan loves it! The primary colors and spinning airplanes always catch his attention.

Here is the completed mobile, followed by step-by-step instructions (although it's pretty self-explanatory):

I started with MDF cutouts bought at Hobby Lobby. I bought 6 for less than $3! I wish I had taken a before picture of the planes, because they were an interesting pink/baby blue/neon green combination.

I painted each plane in a red/blue/yellow theme, using acrylic craft paint I already owned. I followed the original design, and painted several coats until I achieved the bold look I wanted. I chose to paint the back a solid blue for simplicity.

Once the planes were painted and dry, I used a small nail and hammer to create a hole in each plane. I placed the holes at the top just behind the wing, allowing the planes to fly straight once suspended.

I also purchased a pack of simple wooden rods from Hobby Lobby and used white twine I already owned to suspend the planes. I used the twine to tie the rods together in a star pattern, and then used a piece of twine from the end of each rod to hang the planes. I left the twine long so that I could adjust the length of the planes once hung from the ceiling. By twisting the twine around the rod, I can adjust the planes in the future according to Logan's development (and ability to grab the mobile and pull it down on his head!).

My husband also suggested cutting a notch into the both ends of the rods to hold the twine in place, but so far it hasn't been necessary. I chose the wooden rots and twine to give the mobile a simple, natural look, but you could also use a variety of other things- colored yarn, fishing line, a round piece for the mobile base, etc. I even bought a old mobile from Goodwill with the intention of using it as the base of my mobile, but decided against it. Instead I bought a ceiling hook from Lowe's for $1 and used another piece of twine around the center of the rods to hand it from the ceiling. The opportunities are endless!

Supplies used:

MDF Airplane cutouts

Wooden rods

Twine (or string, yard, fishing line)

Acrylic paint

Small paintbrush

Nail & hammer (for creating the hole)

Ceiling hook

Approximate cost: $5.00

Time: 30 minutes (not counting drying time for the airplanes)

I have been fortunate enough to have breastfed Logan since Day 1. The first few days in the hospital were a bit of a struggle, and involved lots of tears from both Logan and myself, but we both quickly learned how to do what nature intended.

Knowing that I would be going back to work one day, I tried to pump in between feedings when we first arrived home. But when your baby eats every hour and sleeps very little, this proved to be an impossible task. It caused stress and frustration, so I quickly gave up. He continued to nurse, and I continue to provide just enough milk to satisfy him.

When I returned to working 2 nights a week, I began pumping a few times throughout my night shift. It worked. Whatever he ate at home, I replaced in the morning. Never a drop more. But it was enough to keep my breastfeeding goal alive.

As 2 nights a week turned into 4, things began to get a little more difficult. And by a little more difficult, I mean impossible. I spent hours at work pumping (not an easy task as a nurse), and I cried each and every time I expressed only 2-3 ounces. We were only 5 months into my goal of breastfeeding for a year, and I saw it slowly coming to an end. My job was ruining everything.

Nevertheless, when I returned home each morning, I would learn that Logan had eaten exactly the amount I brought home. No formula. No supplements. But I still felt defeated.

I watched another girl at work pump 10+ ounces in one sitting each night at work. I read stories of milk pouring from others, and hefty backup filling the freezers of other moms. We were breastfeeding but barely holding on. Each and every day felt like a failure.

This continued until last weekend when we traveled to NC. I didn't bring any of our supply with us, so when it became time to feed Logan his usual morning cereal I needed to pump. Except that Logan was already starving, and I had an audience filling the room. Nick had snuck a small can of formula we received as a sample in the mail into our luggage (still swearing he had never given Logan even an ounce of formula during all of those frustrating months). I made an impulsive decision to make a bowl of cereal with formula, and pump after. Logan gobbled it down just like any other bowl. And it didn't kill him. He didn't even seem to notice. Even his poop stayed the same.

I continued this routine throughout the weekend... nursing in the morning and at night, making his cereal with formula, and pumping in between. As I began to accept my decision I also watched our supply grow bigger and bigger in the inlaws' freezer. Success!

Nick and I decided to continue this routine at home, and it has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. A huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Ironically I feel like less of a failure this way, although Logan is no longer an exclusively breastfed baby. There's something to say for a stress-free, happy Mama. I continue to pump 2-3 times each night at work, but when I only return home with 5-8 ounces I never blink an eye. Surprisingly Logan has continued to eat only the amount I pump each night, without ever wanting more, but it is such a relief to finally have a backup supply for emergencies.

Breastfeeding is not easy. Breastfeeding as a full-time working Mama is even harder. I'm proud that we are still breastfeeding 6 months in, I feel confident that we can make it until 1 year, and I'm grateful that we have finally found a routine that works for us. Babies are stressful enough!

I'm on-call for work tonight, which is bad for our bank account but good for the blog. I may not write the most eloquent or exciting of posts, but I have missed it so very much.

July was b.u.s.y. It started off with a visit from Mom, Dad, and the girls, a short weekend trip to Chattanooga, and ended with a wonderful (almost) 4 days spent ~~at home~~ in NC visiting family. As much as I loved our trip as the perfect way to end a perfect July, it was the first time Nick and I agreed that we are no longer waiting for the day to move back to Winston-Salem. We LOVE Nashville. In 7 years it has become our home, the place we officially started our lives together, and where we began our family. As great as it would be to live a short drive from our families, we're just not ready to give up everything we have created here. It's a bittersweet ending to a decade of wishing and waiting for a chance to bring us back to our beloved state. (Don't worry Mom, we promise to visit often :)

Between weekend getaways and adventures, I have continued working 4 nights a week to support our family. I'm not always thrilled to go to work (especially on night 3), but it's a small sacrifice to give us such a wonderful life. We always have 3 day weekends, and it was so easy to make an impulsive trip home for a long weekend.

During the wee hours of the morning, when my patients are sleeping and my eyes begin to feel heavy, I often find myself daydreaming about all of the things I have wanted to do with my life. Of course I realize that most are not practical and may never happen, but a girl can dream. I think about what it would be like to be prepping and decorating my 2nd grade classroom for the imminent school year, or spending my weekends shuffling around town capturing the memories of weddings, first birthdays, and soccer games. I think about the look in Nick's eyes as he watches the restaurant he has created from nothing, or the sweat dripping from his head as he steps out of his plane on a hot Saturday afternoon. I dream of sipping coffee while watching others browse my gallery of paintings, or the little booth I've set up at a local craft fair.

Sometimes I think that I need to focus on reality and the life we have, but other times I fear that I will wake up one day and realize it is too late to follow any of the paths I have dreamed of. I'm trying to figure out how to balance family, hobbies, and dreams. I'm researching local art classes and mapping out tentative plans.

This post has been all over the place, but so is my mind right now. I'm so grateful for everything I have, but I can't help but wonder what could be. For now, I leave you with pictures of our sweet baby boy (6 months tomorrow!)

Thanks to an over abundance of hormones and many sleepless nights, I fought with Nick a lot when Logan was first born. I felt as if he had no idea how difficult each day at home was... I thought there was no way he could understand how frustrating and exhausting it was to entertain a baby all day and keep a house even remotely clean. I think this is a common issue among new parents. In fact, I even read a book about it (Babyproofing Your Marriage- I highly recommend it!). The working parent is usually envious of the relaxing, carefree life they imagine the one staying at home to have, while the stay-at-home parent dreams of adult interactions, and time alone and away from the house. Even when both parents work (as was our former situation), one parent usually feels like they are doing more of the work of maintaining the house and raising the baby.

Well, guess what? I have had many days of living in Nick's shoes as the full-time working parent, and I don't like it. I think back to all of the nagging I did for so long... he didn't do enough of the work around the house, he didn't play with Logan long enough before or after work, he didn't rush home fast enough to relieve me of the parenting duties... the list goes on and on. Now that I'm the working parent, and Nick is the stay-at-home Dad? I couldn't regret my complaints more. Yes, it is nice to be away from the house and only be responsible for myself. But my heart feels like it is ripped from my chest every night I have to leave Logan. I hate not having more time to spend holding him, or singing silly little songs, or taking walks around the lake. And any little bit of energy I have after a long 12-hour shift is spent soaking in every bit of my little man, not caring if the dishes are done or things are picked up around the house.

Every marriage would benefit from even one day of living in each other's shoes. From my own experience, the grass isn't always greener. I will say, though, that I haven't at all missed the responsibility of scrubbing the shower each week. I haven't cried over handing over the grocery shopping duties. And I definitely appreciate my uninterrupted showers, afternoon naps between shifts, and never reaching a level of frustration with Logan because I am so grateful for each moment I get to spend with him.

What's even worse about our situation is that Nick has truly embraced his new role, and is much better at it than I was! I constantly complained about never having enough time to clean or cook because Logan was so much work, but our house has remained spotless since Nick took over. He never complains about anything, and even finds time to repaint our entire downstairs or install a new brick patio for the grill. (Have I mentioned that since he took over our finances for the first time in 10 years, he has developed a plan to have us free of our credit card debt in 3.5 years? Apparently he's better at that, too.) He's pretty much amazing. While I hate that I'm no longer #1 in Logan's life, it melts my heart to see the love he has for his Daddy. It is such a relief to know that although I'm away from him 50+ hours each week, he is able to be with one of his parents 24/7.

This transition has been difficult, to say the least, but I am learning to let go and be thankful for all of the blessings in our lives.

This new chapter in our lives is testing my happiness and adaptability in ways I never imagined. I spend my days anxiously awaiting my next nap or shift, and my evenings feeling sorry for my self and the choices that have been made for me. My nights are consumed with work, and my moments at home are spent feeling exhausted and incapable of enjoying the life around me.

I know I should feel grateful to have a job that can support a family of three. I should appreciate the flexibility in making my own schedule, and only being away from my son at night when he is sleeping. I should be thankful that I have a husband that has embraced his new role in keeping our house clean, our kitchen stocked with groceries, and our son happy and full.

Unfortunately this is not how I feel. I'm angry that my life as a full-time mom has been stripped away from me indefinitely. I'm sad that I have so few moments with my two boys, and can't fully appreciate them because I'm exhausted from living off of 2-4 hours of sleep a day. I'm sad that I no longer have time for the things that bring peace to my life, like writing on this blog, crafting, and painting. I miss being with Logan every minute of every day, documenting his growth and changes through pictures and videos.

I feel so distant from Logan and the bond we shared for so long. I hold him and stare at the thickness of hair that has sprouted in my absence, and cry at the realization that he sits on his own so much better than I remember. I feel like I'm missing every milestone of his 5 month old life.

I try so hard to embrace this new life that has been given to me. I look for pride in the work I do caring for others, and the paycheck that allows our family to live comfortably. But more often that not, I fail. I fail at staying positive and reminding myself of everything that is good. I feel like a failure as a mother and wife. I struggle daily with the jealousy toward Nick now that he is living the life I always wanted at home with our son. Every day is a struggle of emotions and finding happiness.

It's hard to share these feelings because I know that things could be so much worse. I can't imagine where we would be right now without my career, or the amazing benefits that the National Guard provides for our family. I know so many people have it so much worse. So many other mothers deal with the same dilemma of working full-time outside of the home, and my situation is no more admirable than their own. But I still spend far too much of my time wishing it were different.

Where do I even begin? It's been almost a month since my last post, and so much has changed.

Several weeks ago Nick was offered a position back in the world of contract security management (his specialty). It meant better, more flexible hours that would have allowed me to work more as needed, and spend more time as a family. His previous job did not allow us to spend any days at home together, and we found ourselves running our home like a business. I was not happy. This new position seemed to be the answer to our problems, and also offered a raise from Nick's current income. It was the perfect opportunity at the perfect time.

He accepted the offer, gave his 2 week notice to his current employer, and we made plans for the future. The morning before he was to start his new job, the manager unexpectedly called to resend the offer. To say we were shocked and angry would be an understatement.

Overnight I found myself working 50-60 hours a week (from 2 shifts/24 hrs per week). I went from being a semi-stay at home mom to a full-time working woman. I have nothing against those that choose to work outside of the home 40+ hours a week with small children, but it has never been what I wanted. I am grateful to have a job that allows me to work as needed, and also pays extremely well for what I do (PRN premium pay!), but the change has turned my world upside-down.

I have struggled with so many things in the last few weeks.... I am trying to adjust to seeing Logan less and less, losing my freedom and time with friends, battling low milk supply issues as a result of full-time pumping 5 days a week... the list goes on and on. My emotions have been all over the place, and unfortunately my marriage has suffered the most during this transition. Things are slowly on the mend as I accept this new lifestyle and learn to balance work and family, but it has been the hardest thing I've ever done.

More to come...

Jaclyn Armstrong

working mama: I used to run

jumpin' jumpin' jumpin!

diy airplane mobile

Summer of Logan

working mama: supply & demand

on-call.

perspective.

thoughts.

lately.

welcome!

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