working mama: 8-5

6:42:00 AM Unknown 2 Comments

A few weeks ago, in an effort to bring a little more happiness to our lives, I started a new job. A normal Monday through Friday, 8-5 kind of job. Gone are long hours at the hospital, working every holiday, and a chaotic life of little sleep and no routine.

Being home with my boys every night for dinner and bedtime has been great. Weekends as a family with normal sleeping hours has been even better. Having a smiling little boy speed crawl to me in the afternoons when I pick him up from daycare is an added bonus.

The one thing I wasn't ready for? Serious mommy guilt. Before this job change Logan was in daycare 3 days a week. I missed him like crazy, but I never felt very guilty because I knew how good it was for him to get the socialization and interaction that only daycare can provide. I don't know why 2 more days has made such a difference, but it is killing me. I know we're doing the best we can, and what we have to do, but I hate feeling like my child is with strangers more than he's with us. I hate not knowing what's going on in that little head of his. And as much as I love his reaction when he first lays eyes on me in the afternoon, it breaks my heart to see the tears roll down his face when I tell him bye every morning.

I try to remind myself that daycare is good for his development. I remind myself of the millions of other parents and kids going through the same thing. And Nick reminds me that Logan will never love me any less because he spends his days in school. But all of the reminders in the world can't take away the pit at the bottom of my stomach Monday through Friday.

For now I will work as hard as I can to race to that sweet little face as fast as I can every day. And I will cherish the time we do have together, and family meals at the dinner table, and tucking my sweet little boy into bed each night. Things I have missed or taken for granted for far too long.