Dear Military Wives,
While I have never had the pleasure of meeting you
or your husband, I felt the need to write you and
express a very deep feeling that I have in my heart.
I, as a person, am not brave. I do not tackle things
head on, as I hate confrontation. I will travel 100
miles out of my way just to avoid a conflict. I am an
American woman that has no idea what is going on in
the military other than what I hear on the news.
I have never had to let go of someone so that they
could go fight for people that they didn't know,
people that sometimes do not appreciate or
understand what they are fighting for. I have never
had a sleepless night of worry because of a report
that another bomb has exploded and I still haven't
heard from my husband.
I have never had to wait for months on end to hold
the one that I loved. I have never had to tell my
children that daddy wasn't coming home tonight
because he was so far away fighting for something
that they aren't yet old enough to understand.
I have never had to hold my head high and suppress
the tears as I hear that it will be at least another six
months of separation before my loved one gets to
come home. I have never had to deal with a holiday
away from the one that I thought I would share
every day of my life with.
I have never had to feel the panic rising in my heart
at the sound of a ringing phone or knock at the door
for fear that it is the news that everyone is terrified
of getting.
For the reasons listed above, I can not tell you that I
understand how you feel. I can not tell you that you
must be strong. I can not say that you shouldn't be
angry, because you "knew what you were getting
into when you married a military man". I can not say
these things because I have never had to walk in
your shoes.
What I can say for certain is that because of your
unselfish acts of bravery and your husbands
willingness to stand up for those who see him as "just
another soldier", I will never have to walk in your
shoes.
I do understand that as a military wife you are
expected to uphold a certain amount of control, but I
never understood how you could do it, until now. I
have figured out that you are not like other women.
You are of a special breed. You have a strength
within you that holds life together in the darkest of
hours, a strength of which I will never possess. The
faith you have is what makes you stand out in a
crowd; it makes you glow with emotion and swell
with pride at the mention of The United States of
America.
You are a special lady, a wonderful partner and a
glorious American.
I have more respect for your husband than I could
ever tell you, but until recently I never thought much
about those that the soldier leaves at home during
deployment.
Until this moment I could never put into words
exactly what America meant to me. Until this
moment, I had no real reason to. Until I heard of
you.
Your husband and his military family hold this nation
close, safe from those who wish to hurt us. But you
and those like you are the backbone of the American
family. You keep the wheels in motion and the hearts
alive while most would just break completely down.
Military families make this nation what it is today.
You give us all hope and you emit a warming light at
the end of a long dark tunnel.
Because of you and your family, I am able to be me.
I am able to have my family. I am able to walk free
in this great land. Because of you and your family, I
can look ahead to the future with the knowledge
that life is going to be okay. Because of you and your
family, I can awake to a new day, everyday.
I realize that you are a stronger person than I will
ever be because of these things and I just wanted to
take the time today to say thank you to you and
your family for allowing me that freedom.
I will never be able to repay this debt to you, as it is
unmatchable. However, I hope that you know that
no matter where you are, what you are doing, what
has happened today, or what will happen tomorrow,
Your husband will NEVER be "just another soldier" to
me! And you, dear sweet lady, will never be
forgotten.
You are all in my prayer's everyday and I pray that
God will bring you back together with your loved
one safely.
May God Bless You!
(Author Unknown)
I'm not a patient person. I never have been, and honestly I don't expect that I ever will be. Lately my patience has been tested in a way I never thought it would be. I don't know how to deal with it. I've never been the type of person that got everything they wanted when they wanted it, but I hoped and prayed that this would be the one thing in life I would be blessed with as soon as I felt ready. And now I'm ready- more than ready. I have a long road ahead of me, and I'm going to have to face it whether I want to or not. Hopefully there will be something waiting for me at the end of the road when I get there.
If there's one thing I remember about the 14 weeks of basic training, it's that Sundays without Nick are the worst. I'm not really sure why... I don't know if it's the loneliness of ending a week without him, the fear of starting a new week without him, or just knowing that we usually spent our lazy Sundays together sitting around and watching football or movies. No matter what the reason, I always miss Nick the most on Sundays.
I have something to look forward to this week... something great. My pinning ceremony is Thursday and I will officially be a nursing school graduate after the ceremony on Friday. It doesn't even seem real. I'm excited, but I will be much more excited when I take the NCLEX and actually receive my license as a registered nurse. I would also probably be more excited if Nick was going to be at graduation... or if any of my family was going to be at graduation. Luckily I have a lot of wonderful friends in Nashville that will be there to support me, and hopefully help me forget that Nick is not there. I'm being pinned with Nick's mother's nursing school pin, which is pretty much the coolest thing ever. Hopefully there will also be another nurse in our family in the future that can be pinned with the same pin as well. There's so much hard work and determination behind a nursing pin, and only a nurse can truly appreciate graduation from nursing school. It's unlike any other undergraduate degree.
Now back to watching a movie, crocheting, and drinking coffee... because that's what Sundays are for.
It hasn’t even been 2 days yet, and already I’m starting to feel depressed and detached from the world. I can’t accept that I will be living this quiet, lonely life for the next year. I need a roommate, a new friend (with no life that wants to spend every waking moment with me), a new hobby… anything to distract myself from the silence. It will get better, it always does, but about the time I begin to get used to this new life it will be time to see Nick for Christmas- which is GREAT- but I’ll have to start all over again. I don’t do well with change. It’s always the little things that I miss the most… sitting around watching tv together, cooking dinner together, cuddling in bed on a Saturday morning, running errands around town… the list goes on and on. I just love having him by my side for everything that life brings- big and small. It’s times like this that I also regret living so far away from our families, because no one can replace the comfort and love that comes with family.
(I never promised this blog would be uplifting, did I?)
One thing to be grateful for tonight… One Tree Hill & Gossip Girl. Distractions are invaluable right now.
Reality hit hard today, and I can’t say I was ready for it. I drove Nick to Springfield this morning to board a bus for training in Mississippi. The hard part was not seeing him go, it was the realization that he stepped out of our house this morning for the last time until they return in (hopefully) December 2010. I am grateful that I will be able to see him again for Christmas in 3 short weeks, but I also know that this marks the beginning of a long, difficult year ahead. I’m not a big fan of living alone, and I hate the silence that has already consumed this house. I didn’t plan on crying this morning and I was doing really well at first (I may still have been feeling some of the many drinks from last night), and then I joined the caravan through Springfield. The buses with ours soldiers, followed by 20+ family cars, were given a police escort through the town while hundreds of people lined the streets with flags and signs to bid farewell to the 278th. I’m pretty sure I had only passed about 5-10 people when I lost it. Realizing what that moment symbolized was too much for me to take. Of course my mind is also frequently invaded by the thoughts of the harsh realities of war, and this morning was no exception. Nick is my best friend, my husband, my rock, my life. I can’t imagine living in this world without him, and I hope more than anything that I never have to find out. I am so insanely proud of him though. There is nothing more honorable that what our soldiers do, and I am amazed by the courage and strength they exhibit each and every day. This is our first deployment, but it won’t be our last. And we will get through each one with the love that has bonded us for the last 6+ years, and I know it will make us stronger and closer than we’ve ever been. I will survive for my husband, our families, our friends, and what this country stands for. I’m an army wife… it’s what I do.
I think it has finally hit me, and I'm starting to freak out... I only have 18 more days with Nick before he leaves. Of course I will get to see him for 5 days over Christmas before he is officially gone for 12 months, but I know those days are going to fly by. No amount of time is long enough with your best friend. We will be on our way to NC for Thanksgiving next week and will be spending Christmas in NC as well. I'm so excited to spend the holidays with our families this year, but I can't help thinking that the little time I have with my husband has to be shared with too many other people. It's important for him to have good quality time with his family before he goes overseas, but it doesn't leave much quality time for the two of us.
While Nick was in basic training at Fort Benning, we began counting down the number of Sundays until we would see each other. It was a much more optimistic way of looking at things, because the number of Sundays left always sounds much better than the number of days left. Unfortunately this is how I count everything down now... and I only have 2 Sundays left until he leaves. On a good note, our last Sunday together will be spent on our drive back from NC. We are notorious for having our best conversations on long car rides because we never turn on the radio- not even on our 14 hour drives to and from Sarasota. As graduation nears I have more and more free time, so hopefully we will be able to spend every minute together during the last few days that he is in Nashville.
As hard as this is going to be on me, I can't help but remember that this is a million times worse for Nick. I am losing one person for 12 months, but he is losing a lot more.
I'm back! A lot sooner than I thought... I've had a lot on my mind lately. As graduation creeps closer and closer (32 days!), I'm beginning to wonder if I'm focusing too much on nursing. I'm finishing my applications to begin grad school next year, but there are so many other things I want to accomplish in life. Getting my doctorate has always been near the top of my lifelong goals, but I also want to focus on my painting and art, writing a book, starting a family, and spending time on the things in life that matter the most. I don't want to lose anything, I'm just having a hard time figuring out how to prioritize everything. I know once I start grad school all of my time and energy will be concentrated on nursing, and it scares me to think that so soon after the madness of the last 16 months I will have to give up everything else I love in life once again. Maybe I'm being dramatic... I really hope so. School has always been my first priority (sometimes even above my husband... sorry baby), so in a way I don't feel like I have a choice but to make the next step in my education. I really don't want to put it off, I just want to do everything now. I don't want to put anything off, but that's the reality of life. I know it will still be at least a couple more years before we begin adding little Armstrongs to the mix, since Nick will be leaving in 3 weeks and will gone all of next year.
Okay... I feel better now. It's amazing what writing can do for me. As always, once the words are written I realize that I'm anxious and stressed about nothing, and everything will work out the way it's supposed to do. If I'm meant to start grad school next fall, I should have an acceptance letter from an amazing nursing school in the next few months. And if not, then I will take that as the sign to focus on my art.
Don't forget to check out alittlesunshine.tumblr.com... it's probably more entertaining than the ramblings I leave here!
I'm notorious for starting things and not finishing them... not big things in life, just little things (i.e. books, painting, blogs, etc.). I get bored easily, and I love new things. This translates into my temporary abandonment of this blog and my new little bloglet- alittlesunshine.tumblr.com. For now, while I'm feeling too lazy to commit to full postings on this blog, you can read my short daily thoughts on tumblr. I'm sure I'll come back here one day... just give me a week or so to get bored with the new one :)
After weeks of cold, unpredictable, rainy weather, we've finally had a few days of beautiful fall weather with gorgeous skies and perfect temperatures. I've loved every minute of it, even if most of the time I've been trapped in the hospital or inside studying. I even went for a run around the lake today and enjoyed it. I don't think I've ever said I've enjoyed running, but I really did. The lake was gorgeous! It was the first time I've done anything active since I quit smoking, and my lungs felt great. I was so proud of myself. My plan is to run everyday this week, so we'll see how that goes. I usually only stick with things for a few weeks before getting bored. I could really use the exercise, because it's that wonderful time of the year when my body likes to store fat like I'm going into hibernation. I don't understand it. Wish me luck!
